Hormones

I was excited. I’d, by that point, I had you know, made up my mind, I’d had my mind made up for a while that that was the route I wanted to go down, and particularly with all the delay around getting hold of it and stuff, I was, I was very keen to start by the time, by the time I actually could. But there was still some apprehension, there was – there was a lot of apprehension. And I think, I think it’s only really something that I’ve, that I’ve got my head around now, is that it’s okay to still have doubts, it’s okay to be nervous, or you know it’s, it’s okay to be worried about certain things. It doesn’t mean that you’re making the wrong decision, or that you know… I think my, my sense in healthcare settings and in clinic settings is that I need to come across as, as sure as possible about everything, and there are no doubts in my head about anything at all because anything I say that could be perceived as doubt could be a reason not to give me access to something. And so through trying to sort of hit that narrative all the time I, I think I kind of lost sense for a while that, that away from that it’s, you know when, when you’re not playing that game, when you’re not trying to get access to things it, it’s okay to be like, you know it’s, it doesn’t mean that you know if one day I’m worried about my voice dropping it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be on testosterone, or that I’ve, or that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be on testosterone. You know like but you know I think now I’ve got to the point where okay, when changes happen they both excite me and when I notice changes, they both excite me but, they do excite me but there is also a, ‘Oh no, what’s this? Like, this is going to take some, some getting used to. And that it’s okay to need to time to adapt because it’s a significant change to yourself. It’s, and that it’s okay to not feel 100% positive about that when it happens.

The first time I noticed my voice starting to go I, I freaked out massively, and was like ‘Oh maybe I’ve done the wrong thing’. But now I can see that that’s, you know, it’s a significant change, there is going to have, you know it’s going to have an impact on, it’s going to take you time to get used to it as much as it’s going to take anybody else time to get used to, to those outward changes. And I’ve got to that point now that in those early stages it was almost like I wanted things to happen but at the same time I was scared of noticing things, and sort of going back and forth. ‘Oh, this is happening’, and someone saying, ‘Oh that’s great!’ and me going, ‘Is it? Is it great? I don’t know.’

And you know, now, yeah as I say now I feel like I’m in a much, I’m in a much stronger position on that because I feel like I understand what my responses are to those things. It’s not, when I do have those moments it’s not necessarily that I don’t want to see that change, but it’s that I need time to adjust to that change happening and also getting to the point of realising that some of it was about me worrying other people notice things, if there was people that I wasn’t out to about being on testosterone. I was like ‘Oh yeah, I really like that, but other people are gonna notice that’. So that is scary. And just being able to separate those things out in my head, and, and, and yet as I say, get to the point of realising it, it’s okay to still have doubts occasionally, it doesn’t mean that I’ve, it’s, it doesn’t have to mean that I’ve taken the wrong route, or that this isn’t what I want. But that ultimately, it’s a big thing that, you know there are you know there are changes happening and they take time to, to adjust to really.

I think the, it is frustrating that there are things it cant do. It cant magically make you gain a six pack overnight. It will gain slightly more muscle, because it will just change the muscle ratio. So you will gain a tiny bit. Unless you keep working out, you’re gonna lose that fairly quickly. So, yeah, I think some people think as well that it is gonna solve all their problems. Some people are like, Oh yeah I’ll have testosterone now I wont be depressed and I wont be anxious and I wont have this. Magically, you know, I wont be dyslexic any more. And I’m like it’s not quite like that. But I think it will help any depression that’s related specifically to being dysphoric or whatever. It is frustrating that it cant just magically change everything. I’m not going to grow a penis overnight. And it does take time to change things especially if you’re having gel which I’m gonna have. But I think the things it cant change you, you do kinda have to come to terms with it, especially at my height. I like to remind myself that Prince was only five foot two and I’m taller than him. So, things like that. And I wear shoe risers and fix old shoes to add a few extra inches to my height. Other than that, you know, once Ive transitioned Ill just get my pair of, big pair of kinky boots and walk around in those and no-one will know how tall I am. I think, I think some people get angry. It cant fix all their problems. You know, it’s just, it is just a hormone. It doesnt, you know, no-one decided that that’s how it works.

Hormones especially regarding non-binary people is such a, always gonna be a pros and cons waiting, because well, I mean, can’t generalise on that. A lot of non-binary people that I’ve spoken to because you can’t pick and choose the effects and you might want some but not others. So, what really helped me decide that at least hormones aren’t right for me right now is knowing the fullness of the effects and the timescale that they tend to happen on. So, things like I would be really excited about voice changes, but less excited about a huge eruption of body hair. But body hair tends to happen a lot sooner than voice changes. So I know that you can’t have one without the other. And to being able to know obviously the timescales aren’t accurate for every person, because every person is different. But having a rough idea of when things happen and which of those you want and don’t want could help manage your expectations for how much hormones are gonna do for you.

I don’t want all the effects and obviously you can’t pick and choose, so that’s what’s kind of mainly holding me back at the moment. Especially things like hair loss is a big one, ‘cos that’s quite common in my family. And it tends to go back like here and so it’s not easy to hide either. But yeah and some of the kind of emotional changes and essentially having to go through puberty again is just exhausting to think about. I wasn’t a particularly acne-ridden teenager. But I could, I definitely could do without being an acne-ridden adult so.

I take, so I’m on 6 milligrams a day of oestrogen. I have one in the morning, so two milligram pills, one in the morning and one in the evening. The decapeptyl blocker which I’ve just started is a bum injection every 3 months. Which is intramuscular, so like I had a really sore like arse muscle for most of the day that I had it. And then there’s another pill that I take for the first 2 weeks after that blocker because there’s a surge in testosterone and you have to block that. So, at the moment, I take that blocker and one oestrogen in the morning and 2 oestrogens in the evening.

To begin with I think it was, the first few changes I like, it was like head space I guess, if that makes sense. I don’t know what it was exactly, I always, I find it hard to explain but like it was like a, like a fog had lifted essentially. And I don’t know why especially, like that, I know some other people have a weird, similar experience if that makes sense, it’s like really hard to put into words but it’s like I was, whether it’s like a combination of psychological and neuro-chemical I don’t know, but there was a definite feeling of like feeling a general better mood in general, I guess. And not, and it wasn’t the same way as like something like I’ve had before, but like genuinely like I felt like I was thinking clearer, that kind of thing, and you know like I was more assured in my own body, I felt more like myself in some way. And that’s the best way I can really explain it.

And then, then skin changes was the next one, I think. That was like I was feeling like, like I used to have quite oily skin and then now it’s dry, it’s just really dry, and I used to have quite bad acne and then I’d get no break outs whatsoever, still to this day which is amazing. It makes my partner eternally jealous.

And then yeah so like yeah and then obviously there’s the sexual thing, so like I, like caught, like I wouldn’t get random erections anymore, no kind of like morning wood as it was, and then there’s no kind of like it, it would take a lot more effort to like get an erection I guess. Like it was still possible, like it’s still possible but it’s not necessarily like, Oh here’s a breeze and then there’s an erection you know. Like the, like there’s no worry of that anymore, which is genuinely the most amazing thing, cos it makes every, like just, yeah that, just the, the lack of random erections is genuinely so much, so much easier to deal with.

Yeah I think, and then like you start to, and then, and then from then on it’s like you get nipple sensitivity, and like so like I think the breast buds started to form, and then so that’s quite like, it’s not painful, but it’s very sensitive as, and then like if you bump into something it’d like physically hurt, that kind of thing. And like, so you’re essentially going through like initial stages of puberty at this point.

So like you know that would happen and then like my, like hair didn’t grow as fast, I think. Which was weird, like and like my hair was less greasy I think like I didn’t, like I genuinely, I had to condition my hair if that makes sense, like I didn’t just shampooing it wasn’t enough anymore, like I had to, like take care of it in a sense. And then my hair growth like took less time, meaning like when I shaved for example, like I’d only have to shave every other day eventually, like, so now like usually, I used to have to shave every day to get a close, close as possible shave so I’d feel less dysphoric, and then it became like oh I can shave every other day now, so I don’t feel as dysphoric and then that was quite nice.

And then yeah and then like fat redistribution, and stuff like that. Like the shape of my body started to change, and like it only really became like really apparent to me is when I tried like an old pair of jeans, like that was like men’s fitting jeans I guess, and I just couldn’t get like my, my thighs into them for some reason. And it was the weirdest like experience because like it wasn’t like I’d changed height or anything, or like changed like my weight was generally the same. You know like it wasn’t and so, it was kind of like affirming idea that it was working but also annoying cos it meant that I had to like get better fitting jeans [laughs].

Yeah that’s, and it’s quite, there’s quite a lot of orgasms feel different, that’s one of the big things I feel like, I don’t know if it’s mentioned much but it’s definitely something that I was like, I’ve had some experience with other trans women and it’s just I know a lot of like trans women have like that obviously your sex drive decreases, and I know some, some trans women who like their sexuality has changed. For me I’ve had like different, like I’ve felt differently about people now I guess, as a, the way I feel attraction is slightly different. How like I feel a bit more, like physical attraction isn’t as a, like emotional attraction is much bigger of a bar that I have to cross before I feel like genuinely intimate with someone, like and then things like yeah, I think that’s all I can think of at the moment, yeah.

Definitely your skin, the way your skin sits on your face, you look less angular, I looked very, quite angular and you look less angular. I think you’re like, the tone of your skin starts to change, your skin gets a lot thinner, so I was, as I was getting loads of hair removal, which I never got the funding through for, never came, never materialised. Brought it up multiple times and it just, it never seemed to come so I was very lucky that my Mum basically paid for it all. I think I had about 14 sessions all in all.

But definitely cos the Oestradiol starts to thin your skin, your pain receptors go up, so like before even though it was really you know coarse hair, and was probably doing a lot to remove it, it was like, Okay that’s not too painful I mean it’s very painful, but it’s like compared to afterwards, like when I was on hormones, like the pain was just a lot more. So you get more sensitive, and yeah, it’s, you start to notice things like you feel the cold a bit more, and you’re, you’re definitely like sense and everything just changes as your skin starts to change which is a change.

Obviously you start, you grow breasts, you get breast development. My breast development has been weird I think like mine kind of like was not great at the beginning and then as I’ve gone on, they’re more like bigger.

And you know breast developing, you go through periods of it just being very painful, very sensitive, and yeah, and I think especially cos I am, I am 6ft 3, and natural development when you’re 6ft 3 can look a lot smaller, even though you’ve had quite substantial breast growth. So yeah I’m, I think once I can come into the dollar, the money, like start making that Yankee dollar I am going to probably look into getting breast augmentation, that’s probably something I’ll probably do. Cos you know I want to make my shoulders look smaller, and all those things.

Who knows. Yeah so I did have a lot of changes and yeah, you know sexual function changes a lot. You, you orgasm differently, you, the way you feel is differently, what you find important I think in sex changes a lot. Cos you know you, I mean it sounds more stereotypically female so to speak, and yeah I think, I think there’s some truth to that you do, you’re not as, I think a lot of people would see it as like a drop in libido, but it’s more like it’s not as on-tap, it’s not something you can just turn off and on, like when you want to. it’s, it’s much more, it takes some finessing, it takes a couple of things.

I think it can be, it could be a roller coaster expectations and disappointment cos you, you think it can so much and sometimes it feels like it’s done nothing, but because you’re, you’re so caught up in how you are at the moment, it happens so gradually you can forget how you used to be, how you used to look. And for people around you it really changes.

I always had a kind of a semi-female-ish fat distribution already, and it just amplified that so, I still have a lot of problems like the way my hips are, like I don’t like, I want wider hips really, honestly. And it’s still something I notice, it’s like, even though I’ve had this fat distribution change you, because your bones don’t change it’s a bit disappointing honestly. But there’s definitely ways you can sort of dress, so I’m always like making sure I wear like high-waisted jeans and just like getting my waist in as much as possible just to make it look as much like I’ve got hips. And I kind of do. So, there’s a lot of things like that. I reckon my memory’s gotten better. I reckon I’m a bit sharper, I reckon I’m just a bit more intelligent.

I was initially offered three ways of getting testosterone. The first one was as a testogel that you would apply every day. The second one was as an injection that you get every three weeks and you are like intramuscular injection you would get in your buttock area and the third one was also an injection, but it was every 12 weeks I think and it was a higher percentage, more, more hormones obviously. I think that, that one was more sore and they were kind of already like advising me not to take that option. I ended up taking the injection options still but the every three week one.

How did you make that decision?

I didn’t want to be dependent on taking testosterone every single day. I was worried that like if you like go away for like two or three days you would immediately kind of I think at that point because I was so obsessed about getting hormones and like masculinising effects you would immediately be worried about not being on these hormones any more. I didn’t want something that was dependent on, because I was also going to [country] so often and I didn’t want to like end up at home for a month and having lost my testogel you know whereas if I was home for a month and didn’t get any injections then or like any testosterone then through injections, you would only be missing one and the 12 monthly one did sound quite like intense and hefty. For me, the three weekly ones sounded the most convenient because it still felt, it also felt like it would be more effective or serious than a gel because I think even on a not so rational level you kind of think oh an injection, that’s going straight into your body like that must do more than something you are rubbing on your skin. I guess it’s also feels like you actually are getting somewhere.

That makes perfect sense. You have your first injection and how is it?

Very sore. The actual injection wasn’t that bad it was just a tiny prick and then I could feel it kind of like going in a little bit. Nothing major. It wasn’t painful. it’s wasn’t an issue. It was fine. It was the day and the day after I could really feel it like I had difficulty walking because it was just very, very sore. But after that, it got better. The first time was very sore. I wasn’t expecting it. You kind of feel like it in the muscles for like a day or two after. I think they didn’t really tell me either that you are supposed to kind of keep the muscle warm like maybe keep walking or do some exercises straight after the injection to help stretch and stretch the muscles because otherwise they’re just going to swell up and that testosterone is quite oily in fact it’s just going to sit in one of the muscles and disperse very slowly. You want to kind of squeeze it out of there and make it move faster than just letting it rest. If you just let is rest and it makes you more sore.

That’s interesting. I don’t think I’ve been told that either. It makes perfect sense. How did you find out about that?

I think it was just because I got back to my next injection and they asked me how it was. How I had been feeling after the first one and I told them that I’d been quite sore. I think the nurses then suggested that I A) relaxed the leg that the muscle that the injection had been given. The side of the body the injection had been given and while it’s given and then I kind of tried to walk it off and don’t sit down for long periods immediately after because it helps to keep the muscle warm. And over the years I’ve been told different like not different from bad. But like other handy things like it helps to warm up the oil first and the specific one I am on is sustonone and it helps warm it up because it’s quite thick when it’s cold. And that can also be more painful, but if it’s warm and you keep it in your pocket or if you run it under a tap of hot water before giving it then it runs easy and it’s injected easier to your muscle and it’s less painful and so small things like that that I kind of had to collect over time.

So Nebido comes in little vials and it’s a very viscus like liquid, it’s the hormone suspended in voile I believe and you get it injected into one of your large muscles, so usually your butt every three months, it’s not particularly pleasant, it’s a little bit painful it, in my experience if you hold it in your hand and like warm it up before you have it injected it’s a lot easier because it warms it up and like makes it slightly less viscus and then I’ve always, like I remind the person, I go to my GP to have it injected and I remind them to do it slowly so the slower they inject it the less it hurts because, I don’t know the science behind that but it just does. So warming it up and then having it injected slowly makes it less unpleasant but yeah so it’s, I’m okay with it because it’s only every three months and so it’s not too bad but yeah.

I was able to sort of talk to someone at Harley Street just over e-mail asking for more information about hormones and things because I, I was unsure about what I was actually getting myself into if I did get hormone therapy. So they sort of spoke to me about obviously how my body is gonna change and things if I begin them sort of talking about risk factors as well but other than that I didn’t really get any more information about it

So what did you make from what she said about hormones?

I think it was good because she didn’t try to make it all flowery and pretty she was very real about it and she said that there are gonna be some negative side effects with taking hormones and it needs to be something that is taken very seriously and as well she mentioned too that a lot of Trans people because the waiting times are so long they actually go out of their way to find hormones in other ways by getting them like illegally or whatever which isn’t safe and she told me to like to stay away from that and to keep safe and things which I’d never even thought about but obviously a lot of people won’t be able to afford to have these meetings with hormone specialists and things and that is the only way that some people can do it.

What were the first effects that you saw or felt?

I think it was either facial hair or, actually, I think maybe my voice started breaking before. That was very strange and I never had my voice break before and I found myself saying things and then suddenly I would just jump in like tone or the, I was able to sing along to things I was no longer able to sing along to. That was a very strange one as well. I think it was either voice or facial hair.

What did you see and how did it feel?

I was never too fussed about facial hair to be honest. I didn’t feel like it was something I needed. I still prefer being clean-shaven. It doesn’t look like it right now because I have been very lazy and been working a lot. But I think the voice was the major thing for me. At the time, I was working in a retail job as well and even though my colleagues knew I was trans or I was introduced to them as male every single customer would assume I was female because of my ‘stranger voice’ being very high. I don’t know if other people, well, if like, you have this, but me, when I’m talking to strangers or the bus driver, someone I am paying money to, immediately my voice is like, ‘Hi ya, what can I do for you?’, like, it’s up there and it was so much worse when I didn’t have testosterone and so people would just, even if they were in doubt they would hear me and they would assume that I was female. So I think that was one of my main things that I was worried about that I felt was coming across as a way of misgendering to people.

It was a very exciting period of time like, my chest hair was a fun one because I would be constantly updating my friends like showing off the chest hair. I got these two little swirls at either side that matches the swirl I have on the back of my head that was pretty funny as well. And it was like a weird kind of, it almost felt like a second puberty because there were a lot of changes. It is kind of like second puberty. I was getting zits all over again, like pimples my skin was not having the greatest of times. So, voice, facial hair, body hair as well, of course. My leg hair was getting more intense. Trying to mentally go through my body. I could generally, after a while see how the body fat distribution was moving in my body because I used to have more of a waist and I was just kind of the fat was kind of moving away from the hips and I was becoming like rounder around the stomach. Maybe I was just gaining weight. But it didn’t feel like that. It did feel like I was just kind of becoming more of a square which was desirable for me. And the weirdest one was probably like I did genuinely have like a jump in libido like I was just more sexually aroused than I—well this could also be like a, what’s it called, placebo effect or whatever. That is the thing that I noticed. Of course, like not having periods any more was the absolute best. And I stopped having, I think when I started hormones I had one more period and then they were gone and I have never had them again. It was just the best thing ever. It was just so good. It’s mental to think about how you needed to go through that back in the day. And now, I haven’t had a period for more than 3 years.

So from your first, putting on that first sachet of testogel what was your experience from then on?

Yeah as I said obviously it just felt right and happy and good yeah, I think the kind of the first thing I noticed although it could have been like not necessarily directly from the testosterone but like a just general like I felt within days a lot happier in general and I felt like I had more energy I noticed one of the first things I did notice physically to change was I had some lower growth within the first two weeks and I also noticed that my smell like started to change somewhat and I was generally a bit smellier and like needed to shower more often was kind of the first few things I noticed. And yeah so like energy, having more energy has kind of stayed the same I’ve had the same amount of energy since, I’ve been happier, obviously there’s been ups and down but and another thing as well is libido, my libido increased ridiculously really it’s not for, it doesn’t happen to everyone but for me it was kind of it went ridiculous I won’t go into too much detail but for the first year or so I had a really, it was like being, going through puberty, it is literally going through puberty again it was like, you know, that, I also noticed I could get a little bit more like mood swings and a little bit more irritable quickly and stuff but I think that’s again a sort of puberty thing and again it levelled off after the first few months.

Trying to think, the next sort of change I noticed were getting kind of hairier getting more hair on my stomach, my leg hair getting thicker arm hair getting thicker, general just yeah thicker hair everywhere, just everywhere you could even imagine in places you couldn’t. So it was kind of in the next three or four months mark. I think about the sixth or seventh month mark I noticed my voice was visibly, was audibly dropping there was a few times before I thought oh maybe my voice is dropping but then it dropped and I realised it was dropping that was about six or seven months in and it’s still kind of its settled now I’m kind of just about the two year mark it’s pretty settled but it does still sometimes occasionally wobble as it were kind of do the yeah voice breaking crack thing but yeah for about a year it was kind of cracking and not quite cracking and, you know as one would expect from anyone who’s broke, had their voice break. So that was kind of again about six or seven months in facial hair I first noticed growth of about eight or nine months in I kind of noticed I was getting a bit of a really terrible teenager moustache kind of started shaving then because I didn’t like the way it looked but it kind of, I noticed on my side burns as well I noticed kind of starting to come in as well.

I’m trying to think, changes, I think those are most of the changes like I noticed like looking at photos of myself I’ve noticed like how sort of the fat distribution on my body has changed and stuff and skin softness as well and again I don’t think about this now but I think about three or four months in I noticed my skin felt like just less soft more like, not quite rough but yeah oilier as well, oh yeah acne I never really had issues with spots or acne before starting testosterone I was very fortunate there then starting testosterone about three or four months in my face just exploded it went mad and kind of mad for about a year now it’s less bad, it’s still worse than it was before taking testosterone but I’ve got it under control I think it’s partly because, you know, hormones have levelled out, my body’s more used to it and also because I’ve got a better skin care routine going advice to anyone starting testosterone would be to establish a good skin care routine, moisturise moisturising is so important and find just what works for your skin and it will probably change from before testosterone to after testosterone. But yeah skin, oiliness, hair oh yeah facial hair so I’m kind of nearly two years in I still can’t grow a beard but that’s pretty typical for anyone going through puberty Trans or cis, you know, usually takes about three or four years for most guys to be able to grow a beard. So I’m not too worried about that, obviously I’d love it if I could and some guys do grow a beard after six months but the vast majority of people including me have kind of I’ve a dodgy moustache I can grow, I can grow my side burns out but there’s nothing here [laughter]. But yeah I think those are my kind of big changes in testosterone I’ve noticed.

I just feel like myself. I just really feel like without dysphoria I feel a lot more connected in terms of my day to day, in terms of my what I actually wanna be achieving with life, what my goals are and like I can kind of picture myself in the future and like, you know, what I might look like and like, do you know I think before that I was very much living in the day to day I didn’t really have that much of a conception of like me in 5 years, me in 10 years, me in 15 years and like actually starting to develop a picture about what my future might look like because I think when you’re, yeah when, when you’re disassociating in that kind of way it is really impossible to not just to think positively about the future but to even visualise any kind of future because you’re not, you know, you’re not there like, like in the, in the like the most sort of like yeah in some sort of sense like, you’re not.