Changing names, gender expression and appearance

Well I guess like from my appearance you can see like, I’m wearing makeup and nails and stuff. And you know, I’ve like, recently I’ve started to kind of embrace my inner femininity. I just kind of realised that like, people’s perception of what my gender is and I guess how much I ‘pass’, it doesn’t matter that I’m just gonna dress however I want even if that’s gonna end in a situation where strangers, in their heads think of me as female… Or they might even like, in some way kind of tell me that they think I am female. Like, it doesn’t matter because I know I am a guy and even if I express my masculinity in a, not hyper, but very feminine and very kind of non-aggressive way, it doesn’t change the fact that that’s my masculinity and I can, I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

For a long time I started to like, I was hanging out with a lot of trans masc people. So, started to adopt the more like sort of like a lot of trans masc folk who are really comfortable in expressing femininity when they wanted to and wear like girl’s clothes as part of a broader like trail of their own gender identity and like I started hanging out with them and like copying, like socialising myself in a way that meant like I’ve shared a lot of fashion with them. That made me really comfortable. But, as my body is just getting bigger and bigger, I find myself sort of looking at myself and sort of the things that made me comfortable to begin with when I came out, don’t necessarily make me comfortable now. Because I look at myself and think, oh like, you know, looks kind of, kind of weird to be wearing like dungaree shorts and a baseball cap when you’re twenty-three, in the street and I’m like, no that’s not, it’s not a nice thing to like, you shouldn’t like you know shouldn’t like shut yourself down to like what you wanna wear, but at the same time, I don’t know, like I’ve become much more self-critical than I used to be. So, like a lot of things that used to make me comfortable like playing with make-up, playing with like clothing and expression and just little things like getting my eyebrows done, every couple of weeks. Getting my like hair done by like open barbers the trans barbers up in [city]. Like just doing things that let me externalise just in little bits without tackling the big things was which was like physical dysphoria through HRT and stuff. That’s yeah, that’s how I felt.

I went on a shopping trip with a friend who I felt safe enough with. Crucially, a guy sort of like had access to all the guy’s sections without feeling weird about it. And so, he helped me pick out like a couple of, of T-Shirts and stuff that I could go back and kind of feel a bit more like me in which was really really nice. Trying to think what else I did.

I think shirts was definitely the first step and obviously binding. But it took me a long time to change the rest of my clothes or my hair or anything like that which was fine. It was kind of gradually I don’t wanna say boiling a frog, because that’s got such bad connotations. But making very slow, gradual changes and adjusting to them especially cos I was still trying to figure out my gender and so, going, Okay, well, this isn’t working, gonna try this and okay well, this still isn’t quite right so I can do this. And kind of testing the water to find out what worked.

So when I cut my hair for the first time it was, I sort of just started learning about trans stuff and was thinking that maybe it might be me but I hadn’t like worked it out for sure yet. And I always had hair down to like, just like by my butt I had really long straight hair and I cut it off to like chin length and it was incredible and I felt so much relief that I didn’t have this, it felt like my hair was like dragging me down it was awful and then having it all like basically all cut off was just incredible. And then when I came out and had it cut even shorter to like a more masculine style it was again just another huge relief that it was, it felt right on my head like it just sat right and it was just doing what I wanted it to do and it didn’t matter whether it, like didn’t look great it was just so much more comfortable. And the same with clothes I’d always, always worn like jeans and T-skirts or like jeans and hoodies and never really been super into wearing like dresses and heels and all the typically feminine stuff. But being able to go and like shop in the men’s section and like buy like men’s jeans and things like that which is so ridiculous like jeans are jeans like it doesn’t really matter but being able to do that was really affirming and it was like yeah look at me I am a man and I can buy men’s jeans or whatever. Although I don’t think it actually made a huge amount of difference at that point the clothes I was wearing I think the biggest difference was getting a binder and wearing a binder for the first time and actually being able to put a T-shirt on and look in the mirror and see myself as a flat chest and it just looked right, it was how it like it was how I was meant to look. Although the novelty like wore off quite quickly as binders are so uncomfortable but it was so freeing to be able to do it and look at myself and see like what was meant to be there rather than what was actually there it was good.

How did you find out about like wearing a binder, accessing that kind of stuff?

I think it was like through sort of YouTube or through like Facebook and social media and stuff and sort of hearing about them as a thing and then doing more research and finding out like where you can get them and like what options there are and then saving up the money and convincing a friend to use their bank card to buy me one because I didn’t have a bank account and I couldn’t really ask my parents to buy me one so then like trying to work out how I could possibly actually get myself one after I’d worked out I wanted one. And then trying to like work out the ways that you’re meant to wear it so like how long you are allowed to wear it for and like all of the different stuff around binding safely which, there’s so much information out there on it now but there wasn’t a huge amount back then it was, it was more difficult to come across the information and also like listening to your own body and working out how you can bind, because for some people some binders work really well and for other people they have to go for like a different style or whatever that was, yeah.

Well I bind my chest and that’s quite difficult to do that every day and like, because it’s quite painful, so I definitely think surgery would help that a lot because I wouldn’t have to do that every day.

Could you describe the kind of the process of binding?

It’s quite painful really on the ribs because it’s just like, really tight around the chest when I flatten them out, it does restrict breathing and it’s really not the best but it’s what most people do to try and pass.

And how do you feel about it?

I think it is quite good that like companies have made these things that can do that but I think it’s, there a lot of misinformation about the different ways to bind. Like people say to use bandages which is a no, duct tape – no… I think there should just be a lot more information on ‘this is how you bind, this is how you shouldn’t bind’.

Okay can you tell, can you tell me a bit more about the do’s and the don’ts?

You should only wear it for like 8 to 10 hours at the most, you shouldn’t wear doubles of them, you shouldn’t use any kind of duct tape. You shouldn’t use bandages because they’ll just close and restrict the breathing. You need to take a rest. Just like make sure you’re not overheating from them.

How do you deal with all that stuff?

I just try and like work out like if I go to work and then I have to like stay home and then go out with my friends for a bit I will have a break then and make sure I’m okay. There’s some days were you can’t do that so it’s just like making sure that 9 out of 10 days you’re able to have a break.

Wearing a binder: don’t do it for extended periods of time. Oh my God, not enough people know this. When I first like, started binding and it was a case of, ‘I want to bind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week – until the day I take my final breath I will be binding!’ And then it got to the point where it was like, ‘Yeah, I can’t breathe. My ribs hurt. I physically, like, even after taking it off, I feel like I’m being constricted and I can’t breathe.’ So, if we’re wearing a binder, it’s very half and half of what you should do.

Like, at home, I don’t bind, which a lot of people find strange. I don’t think it’s strange. If I am alone, I’m really grateful to be in a position where like I can, I can cope with maybe feeling a bit dysphoric, because I just wanna remind myself, ‘Look, I’m in my own home. It’s okay. I’m allowed to just wear like a pyjama top and like curl up in bed and take a nap. I don’t need to bind right now. Shut up.’ I think I will exclusively only bind if I’m out and about. Like, only if I have to leave the house will I bind. And then, every time I was like, the moment I’m in I will like, the moment I’m inside, in my room, I will stop binding and change into comfier clothes, just because most binders are really good. Like, even some makeshift binders like layered sports bra and like sports clothing; like those can be really good. But for extended periods of time they will hurt you like no matter how much like padding they have or no matter how much they are designed to like lessen the stress on you and your back, they will hurt you in the long run. And I don’t wanna sugar coat it but they can be quite damaging if you’re not careful with how you bind. Like, I know one of my friends, they used to use bandages and I’m very very grateful that he only did it for a short period of time. But, that being said, it was a case of they would have times where they just simply couldn’t breathe. And, I think even the other like day and like one of my math’s classes I couldn’t actually breathe. I just sat there for a minute thinking, I can’t breathe in right now, what the fuck is going on? And that was just because I was like binding a bit too tight that day. And it was really not a fun experience. And as much as it’s great for your like mental health, ‘cos you’re like, ‘Hell fucking yeah I pass, like, life’s good. I feel happy about how I look’, physically, it has a toll on you after a while and I found that after days like sometimes I don’t get home until like 5 or 6, it like taking off like the binder and just like falling into bed. I just feel utterly exhausted. And like drained and like I’ve been slightly out of breath all day, so. I don’t know. Bind safely, I guess, if that makes sense.

Any tips about how to bind safely?

Don’t bandage. Don’t use tape for extended amounts of time, because there are some brands of tape that drag kings use because if they are like, ‘cos I was watching this whole big thing, sometimes drag queens, drag kinds sometimes will go topless down runways and there’s like this is the tape that they use. But that should never be used for like a long period of time. That should only be if like…Yeah, just don’t. That’s not an effective like way of binding for a long period of time. Get a binder, if you can. Invest in a good binder for like GC2B, I think; I think that’s the brand. They are brilliant and they do give-aways like every other week and they have very decent binders and they’re made by trans people, I think. And I think theirs are the best that you could get currently. I’m not sure in the UK. I think they are an American company from what I remember. I think you’d have to pay for shipping. From what I know, their one of the most effective and like long-lasting and good brands of binders that you can get.

And, obviously, for binding safely like I know it’s very tempting for a lot of people, but don’t obsessively bind. If you’re are having like a rough day, but you don’t need to go outside, just wear like a sports bra and just throw on like a really baggy, oversized top like a hoodie, because it’s not worth like lounging around in a binder when you’re hot. Like if you’re happy with that, do it. But, in the long run, it’s not gonna be the best for you and it’s gonna like, it’s gonna be bad for you, so just take care of yourself, basically.

Stand to Pee. A Stand to Pee device is like a kind of funnel thing that you can either wear or you get harder ones that you cant wear that you keep in a bag with you and it means that you can stand up to pee at a urinal or a toilet, rather than having to sit down. And I didnt realise how much dysphoria I had about that until I got an STP and I was like, wow, I never realised how bad it felt before. So I have a packer and STP combined thing which means it’s a soft packer that I wear in my, in my trousers to create like a sort of realistic mould and shape. But I can also STP with it and it’s a very realistic thing, so I can walk up to a urinal and use it and no one’s gonna sort of question it. And I found that that helped a lot to pass in public. You know, if I walk into the men’s bathroom and someone kind of looks over like is he meant to be in here? If I go to a urinal then oh, well there’s no way he cant be in here. Surely, cause a lot of people don’t know what an STP is they wont realise that it’s not a biological thing. I find STP packer is very useful for me, because I can wear it nearly 24/7. Some people just keep it in their boxers. Some people wear a harness. I found wearing a harness helps, because what I do is, I wear it all the time and allow myself to forget it’s not actually attached, which you know, just not thinking about it too much means that I can forget that I’m trans and just continue with my life as any other guy would and, and not think about it except taking it off to wash it, but to make sure it’s, it’s clean. So, yeah, I, I think I mean if people have dysphoria about that, I recommend that. I find that if you identify as, as male and not as trans male like specifically just as male that allowing yourself to forget that it’s there, you know, is helpful. And if people, some people are like, I don’t think I have any dysphoria about that. I say, Try it, you might be surprised how much better you feel afterwards.

How did you find out about that?

It came from watching YouTube. People like Jamie Dodger, I definitely recommend. He does guides on everything FTM related. And I’m sure there are sort of similar things for MTF and non-binary. But I mostly watch Jamie Dodger and, and he was just showing you know, things like comparing STPs or using an STP or what is packing or what is binding or five things testosterone wont do and all the guides and all the videos quite short, very easy to understand. And it was just from watching through all of those, I came across the term kind of he, he explained it. He was like, oh yeah, it’s a stand to pee. It looks like this and I Googled it and I looked on websites and I watched a few more videos, searching about it and I was oh that looks useful.

I think it’s also like a big thing for me is my voice that I’ve got a lot of trouble with, there’s a Trans singer called Ryan Cassata who got top surgery but decided not to go on hormones because he valued his voice a lot and that’s a big part of his identity and I’m really struggling with that because I sing and I really, you know, singing’s always been like a constant thing, no matter how like miserable I’ve got or like how bad things have got like I’ve always been able to pick up my guitar and write a song or just write about anything and it’s really difficult because like there’s a part of me thinks what I really, if I could just click my fingers and become male overnight then I would but at the same time I think it’s accepting of things that come with that.

I think my voice is like a weird one in terms of how like dysphoria affects me because I quite like my singing voice I’ve sort of learned to sort of accept that a bit more and actually sort of take pleasure in the fact that, you know, people have told me it’s a good voice and they like seeing me perform. But at the same time I really hate performing because I’m terrified that people are viewing me and seeing me purely as just, you know, just like just a woman on stage performing and they don’t really see that actually, you know, it’s like, like a Trans person performing on stage . And for me it’s difficult because it’s my voice I’ve got used to it so I can’t really tell how feminine or masculine it sounds, I know it’s a bit, it’s not like as high pitched as some people’s voices are but it’s whether or not I actually choose to go on hormones and accept that my voice will drop and it could be that a good year where I can’t really sing properly or anything whether or not I decide to sort of be like Ryan Cassata and just have like the top surgery and just, you know, keep the voice because it’s such a big part of me and it’s really upsetting because a part of me is like if I couldn’t sing I wouldn’t have this dilemma I could just, you know, I could just go and do all these things.

My voice is actually higher than this, this is the voice that Ive managed like to train myself to have because obviously I’m a performing art student. When you sing, your natural singing voice comes out. Mine is like high. But obviously I bring it down so that I sing with the boys. But, if I was like to break out now, I’d be like some next Adele well obviously not that good [laugh], but Id be as high pitched as Adele or something like that. It’s not, it’s not this deep. This is just something Ive trained to bring down.

It didnt take me that long. I think that’s just because—I don’t know if this is even a thing. I might just be making this up. But, I feel like because, in my head, I’m a boy. My brain just knows to keep it lower and my brain knows to sit like a boy. My brain knows that it just sorta knows like I didnt, Ive not, I don’t know if this is just cause my family are tall. But, I’m quite built like a boy, quite tall. Ive got big feet. Ive got quite a deep voice. It’s not, it’s not like I’m like four foot ten with long hair and a squeaky voice. It’s just, I feel like my body just sorta went, oh you’re a boy so let’s just make you tall and give you massive feet, which is stereotypical, but it works [laughs].

I really don’t know how you do it. I sort of, it’s almost like a tenseness in my throat, like I tense like around like here and it tends to bring it down. Because obviously if you like if you make a higher voice you tend to push and then a higher noise comes out, whereas if you pull it in it tends to go lower. I don’t know if that’s just cause Ive had like singing training and stuff that it’s just brought it back down. Cause obviously you have to stoop down to those bottom notes and then like push it all out. But just, just try and talk as low as possible if you’re trying to get a lower voice. And then, your brainll sort of remember and obviously if your hearts, you know that in your heart, like you’re a boy. It just tends to stay. It, it doesnt, it’s not like you’re suddenly talking like a woman, then you go, wait, I’m meant to be talking like a bloke now. It, it just happens. But, if you try to like train yourself to do it, Id say, tense your throat sort of pull it down, I don’t really know how to describe it. But pull it down into your diaphragm and it tends to stay lower.

I mean I asked to start being called by a different name. I had a bridging name between my old name and my new name.

It was like a nickname, don’t do that. Never do that, it’s a bad idea cos you just get called the bridging nickname, I finally got everybody to call me not that bridging nickname, all my family, so that’s good. I, so I asked that, and like changing pronouns to she/her and yeah then I started, you know buying different clothes. I think I was like, Fuck it I’m just going to start buying more women’s clothes which, which was good. I could finally find skinny jeans I liked, cos I was literally, I was one of those kids who just always wore skinny jeans, and I am still a young adult that always just wears skinny jeans. So yeah, there was a few changes. I think I stopped, I, stopped routinely going from having really long hair to having really short hair, I just kept growing it, I don’t know. I shaved a bit more.

I think online shopping has been like really good and because, and especially like, just like being able to order stuff and then send it back. it’s like so good. And like literally someone will come to your house and pick it all up and then just take it away, some of them. it’s good. Yeah. And make sure you buy a bra that is the correct size, don’t wear a bra that is way too big for you. That was, that was something that I always had a problem with, is like, I don’t know what you call it, but I always used to think my body was bigger than it was, and I was like buying clothes that were size 18 and 16, when I’m actually a 12. And it’s this weird experience of finding actually women’s clothes fit a lot tighter and just like you know sometimes they’re not always easy to get on, and that is usually clothes that actually are women’s clothes. So various experiences around that.

Ive been told in the past that I’m not actually trans. It’s just because I have autism. Ive been told that. Which obviously it’s, I don’t even know what the word is for that. Quite disrespectful. But if it like, I don’t really know how to put it. I just, it’s a bit, it’s just disrespectful to say that to somebody but. I just sort of doubted that and obviously I’m, I don’t know how to put it. I just sort of took that on the chin and just sort of well who are you to tell me who I a. Doesn’t really matter what you say does it Like I’ll do what I wanna do.

I was on holiday with my parents at the time, I was reading the The Danish Girl and I was kind of, sneaking off at like half hour intervals to shave my legs, in the shower [Laughs]. It was like, I need to do something now to feminise myself. What can I do? I can’t ask my mum to borrow her makeup. I don’t even have like a hair tie up. I used to tie my hair back. I only have these clothes. What can I do? Body hair, I’ll get rid of my body hair. I didn’t have any shaving cream with me. So, I was just go into the shower and, you know, this mass of like men’s leg had that have built up over the years of puberty. I was just dragging this razor across it and it took me like, a few hours, must have been. And that was, that was, was my first step. It was satisfying.

And when I first came out to, the first friend I came out to over WhatsApp she was like, ‘Ooh, interesting’. And then I was like, you know, ‘Do you think it’s possible you could come to see me as a girl? She was like ‘Yes. All that matters to me is that you are happy’. And then I was, and then I text her saying, ‘I just finished shaving my legs’. She texted, ‘Moisturise your legs, quick!’ [Laughs] ‘Cos, I didn’t even realise that you moisturise things after you shave them. So, that was my very first step. A couple of weeks later, telling my family I was having issues and then when I got back to [city] buying some makeup and looking like a clown and you know sneaking into Primark and sneaking out with androgynous clothes, yeah. Those were the first kind of steps. Getting back home and the clothes don’t fit. And then I cry on my bed ‘cos I think my essentially male body will never fit women’s clothes. Such nonsense.

So, I would just sort of wear these, sort of, kind of, and – I don’t know, I just found slightly androgynous women’s jeans, women’s T-shirts and I would just wear a bit of foundation and a bit of like nude lippy and I had a—and yeah, I just have this kind of androgynous look and I am coming out to my friends and sort of came out to them sort of one by one at first, I’d meet them, but just because it was like, I have to do something. What can I do? I can start coming out to people you know, there is the transitioning element. There is the change to the way you present yourself. Changing the way you think about yourself. Changing the way other people think about you, okay. You know, I’ll tell me friends and I’ll start, you know, getting some makeup, getting some clothes. I had no fucking clue what I was doing, for months.

The first few steps was like I guess from like from like aesthetic stand point I guess it was kind of like a bra was the most important step I guess, because it was just kind of like well, even though I didn’t have boobs the idea of boobs existing was an affirming thing I guess, and then it’s just and like growing out my hair and kind of things, and so I’d have like really bad, like I’d like my family would always tell me to go and get my hair cut, and that became a huge source of issues with my family, so like I was always meant to get my, keep my hair short regardless. I wasn’t allowed to grow it out in any way. So that became a huge source of contention. So like I’d get extremely dysphoric and extremely anxious about going to any barber because I feel like regardless of what they did to my hair, like it’s still going to be short so it was, I’d just kind of shut down at that point.

So yeah, like growing my hair out, and like wearing some form of like bra or something like that, made it look like I had breasts, and then things like when I was socially transitioning I guess a lot, a lot of was just like using pronouns and referring to me with like you know feminine descriptors, like not using the words like dude or that kind of thing.

And like it’s a tricky line in the sense of when those words are acceptable to me, I guess. Like it’s dependent with friends and stuff, and like, I, because I still use, I grew up using the word dude, with my friends I guess, and it just kind of like, and I know for some people it becomes, it’s not particular thing, so I’m always careful of when I use it, but like I don’t mind it when it’s my friends using it to me, whereas if it’s like you know because we know each other and they know me, and there’s no doubt of them not knowing me as like a woman or anything like there’s no, like when they say it, it’s not like, I think it’s a strange thing that language is, although the meaning of language and words and stuff depends upon the person that it’s coming from.

So yeah, a large part of it was like yeah trying to you know get people to use my pronouns and stuff, and then I did like you know trying to get the gender markers changed and stuff like that, eventually, yeah, you know like hoping to apply for a GRC at some point, so even though like I was hoping the GRA reform would be through by now, but that’s obviously not happening for the near future so, so looking into applying via the old process, if possible. And even that’s frightening.

And I like, I know that’s, that in itself is a privilege for me because like they acknowledge my gender, you know that’s, then like I know I’ve got a lot of my non-binary friends, they were hoping to be legally recognised, that’s kind of just disappointing, yeah.

I started talking with the psychiatrist at the GIC about getting voice therapy, and he was like well the process for that usually is you go to your local GP, and your GP will refer you to a voice therapist that is appropriate for you in your area. And that felt really scary to me, cos I was like, am I going to see a voice therapist with any like relevant experience? Are they going to be like supportive? You know it was a big question mark for me. I didn’t know what I was going to get from that, and I, I did see, I think I saw a different GP who also kind of phones it in, she’s not always the most, now that I’ve experienced some GP’s that like really take a lot of detail, it was like, she was like, Okay I’ll refer you And she did immediately refer me, and I was able to see a voice therapist within like, after seeing my GP like three or four weeks or something ridiculously short. By coincidence, NHS standards for most services, and yeah I, I remember it was like, it was that first week of June of 2018 I think, that I saw this I met and had, starting having my first sessions of voice therapy. And I think of all the different services, and all the different things that I went through, this was easily the best, and I’m not only sure why it’s the best. I think, well I do, but it’s like I don’t what makes, what made it so, so special for me, I think mostly, like having a service that was so quick to get into, that was definitely a tick in its favour. That it was local to me, was another tick in its favour. And that I saw someone that I just really gelled with and she, you know, I met her and she was like, You know I’m a voice therapist, I’ve had experiences with trans people since, and helping them do voice therapy since like the late 90’s so it was like, yeah, so nearly as old as me she’d been working sort of doing voice therapy for trans people. And she was just a really great person. You know she was you know really understanding, she was you know, and she said, Oh, I’m a bit surprised cos usually I see people further, or less far along in the process so she was kind of surprised by how far along I was and then getting voice therapy.

I think my voice was quite feminine at that point, and I think this is the point where I need to probably try and go into my old voice, which is very difficult cos when she starts to alter your voice, when you start to alter your voice it gets so ingrained you kind of forget how you used to talk, and even when you try, so much of what you’re doing now that just gets kind of like put back onto it, so, but [clears throat] so if I try and, that’s probably a bit further down, [clears throat] okay, no, that’s not really, it’s still [clears throat] so, I have to think through this. Yeah. How am I? Is that? Is that more masculine sounding? Yeah, so I was probably a bit more like this. I don’t know, I don’t know what the pitch on this is. it’s, it’s still quite feminine sounding because some of it is just how, how I always used to talk, and some of it is I’ve probably, I’ve probably done so much to it since then, yeah if I consciously try and do a man voice, I first of all sound a lot like someone from the West Midlands, which I always think is funny. it’s like I don’t really have an accent and then whenever I try to do a man voice, West Midlands like full blast, so, it’s like, Oh up mate Terrible voice. Oh, I can’t even stand this, yeah so if I try and do a man voice, I’ll just start speaking like this. And it’s quite funny. They’ve really started to start laughing at my terrible man voice. But yeah, I just, I really struggle to do a man voice, much and yeah I don’t know, I don’t know, cos I never used to have like a strong, when I had a male voice, I never had a strong never had a strong accent either, so I don’t know why the accent creeps in when I try to do one.

it’s absolutely astounding. The difference is incredible.

It is, isn’t it? Yeah.

So how did you do it? I mean what did you learn?

What did I learn? Oh, what did I learn? What did I learn? So I think when my first session was, I know my first session she like did a, took a recording of me speaking, kind of got like general pitch. I think at that point I was like, I was in the like androgynous range, so I was somewhere around the high 160 hertz, low 170 hertz, I think usually they say below 160 is considered the male range of pitch. And above 180 is considered the female range of pitch usually. Obviously it’s a bit more complicated than that, but that is like really basic, just in terms of pitch, that’s usually where voices lie. So, I was coming into it from a fairly good place.

So yeah what did I do? I there was a lot of like, so it’s kind of where you, there was, I think starting off it was a lot of like, okay so where is your, where is the sound and the resonance coming from you when you’re speaking? And it was like trying to move it forward to the lips a bit more, so it was like Mmmmm Doing like Mmmmmm and yeah it was, it was a lot of that, so it was trying to get the feeling of like the vibrations in your nose. Just to be a bit more like forward facing and getting that sound coming from less lower, I guess, in your vocal tracts. And then there was like yeah, like slowly moving forward, like doing, I don’t know various things like that. I have, I managed to keep all my notes which was really good cos she did give me like practices and exercises I could do each week, so it was a lot of like Maa Mee Moe Mum sort of things like that. And I don’t, I’m really not sure what it was supposed to do, I guess in some ways it was like trying to get you to start speaking, and when you start to speak like that, your larynx will start to naturally go up a bit because you’re trying to, trying to make those sounds. Oh God yeah and there was a lot of like, Okay how are you attacking words So, trying to be a bit softer so obviously women talk a bit softly, softer than men do. They tend to, it’s like words don’t come out as sort of harsh. So that was another thing I started to do. There was other things, there was like, trying to think of the big ones. There were various exercises, yeah, and yeah it just kind of like built, and the idea was that you, you’d have a session about once a month and then you would go, you’d go home and you’d practice and you’d find some way of recording yourself, or you’d find, there’s a very good App called it’s made by I think two German trans people, called Voice Pitch, Pitch Voice, Voice Pitch Analyser, Analyse, Analyser. Voice Pitch Analyser. That you can find on like Google, the Google app store and the Apple App store as well. And you basically, they give you like extracts from The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Portrait of Dorian Gray? Can’t remember what it’s called. Picture of Dorian Gray? I think it is. I always think it’s a very funny choice of novel for sort of trans people to practice their voice, all about vanity which I’m very into at the moment. And Living Forever and being young, as well actually. So, yeah there was like, yeah. You know it’s a very much sort of like a trans feminine novel in some ways. That’s my hot take.

I really got into practicing my voice, and I got over listening to myself and I really like went through all the notes, and I really started to practice, practice, practice, and that is the key. And that was the key thing that my voice therapist had made clear to me, was that you just need to practice, practice, practice. That is the thing that is going to make it like plastic in your throat, so you can’t, you don’t go back and forth from it, you always just like, as soon as you get up in the morning you’re talking like this. So it was a lot of like constantly checking my pitch throughout the day, like doing that, doing that voice test thing on Voice pitch analyser, and yeah, I started to sound a lot better and people started to not tell, and definitely that was the thing that in terms of I think passing, if you want to pass, voice becomes like this really huge thing I think, in a lot of ways, cos people don’t always look at you, I think like a lot of people are not big on looking at people in the face, I guess. But you’re always going to hear somebody, so that’s an important way of like I guess we gender people in some ways.

I kind of asked my friends to use a variety of pronoun sets for me. So, mostly, they/them with some he/him and a couple of new pronouns here and there, which I kind of tested with them for a while to kind of figure out what felt right and from that, I settled on they/them feeling most right. It took me a long time to decide on a name change. I wasn’t sure if I wanted one. But eventually kind of, especially after everything had gone down, I was outed to my parents, I kind of thought well, you know, there’s no more hiding, essentially. And so I did that. I spent a long time on baby name websites, which I think is a fairly, yeah, not too uncommon when you’re trying to figure out what your name should be. And yeah, so alongside the pronoun sets, I also asked my friends to switch to more gender-neutral language which they did quite easily, without issue, which I’m always grateful for.

Okay yeah, so getting a deed poll in the UK is really easy and simple and free, it is free and whoever tells you have to pay for one is lying or talking about a special enrolled deed poll that is not necessary, I believe that would only be necessary for people who may have a certain convictions, criminal convictions around fraud I believe might be an issue I’m not sure exactly if you’ve got any criminal convictions obviously talk to a lawyer or a solicitor rather and they’ll be able to advise but you should not need to pay for it. There are some services that will, that will get you to pay for it but they are not more valid than ones that you don’t have to pay for, it does not need to be enrolled, in fact it’s better of it’s not enrolled because enrolled deed polls will create a kind of legal and kind of very easily searchable tie between your old name and your new name. It has to be published online in a paper or in a paper which isn’t published online as well so I really advise against doing that unless you have to do that. But talk to a solicitor in this situation obviously I can’t give advice but.

For me I went to a website I think it’s called Free Deed Poll UK, Google it Free Deed Poll UK something like that and it’s just really simple you just, it tells you like all the information you need, you can technically write, scrawl on the back of a napkin the legal terms and the website does tell you the legal you know, the terminology and gives you like essentially a form to, you just put what your old name was, what your new name you want to be is and then you’ve gotta have signatures from two people who have known you for two years or longer I believe and obviously get their permission, their names their addresses because they do need to have their addresses on there and, you know, you put your name, your old name, your new name and the address but it’s, again all on the website, really easy to fill out and it’s free.

Printing it out probably print it on parchment paper or similar nice thick legal looking paper you can buy it really cheaply and just print it out on any printer and it looks fancy and places will accept that apart from said GP I’ve not had an issue with any place accepting it, it’s free basically free the only cost was the paper but, you know, print as many of them as you want, print a, don’t print a 100 I did print 20 and that’s way too many you don’t need that many but do keep a copy on, you know, on your computer in case you do need to print it put again but honestly it’s really simple as long as you’re over 18 or over 16, I think it’s 16, over 16 with parental permission, over 18 you can do whatever. You know, as long as you haven’t had any specific crimes and we’re born or are a citizen of the UK I think is another stipulation then again just look on that website it tells you everything. it’s really simple, really easy, go and do it today if you want to, you don’t have to but, yeah [laughter].

I changed my name with them literally a few days before I came to Uni, because that’s when I got my deed poll, and they were on it like that, they were really quick with it. I haven’t, other than in a messed up email address that I got, I haven’t had a problem with seeing my dead name anywhere, so they were really good in terms of changing details and that. The wellbeing service have been also really helpful with LGBT issues, cos they’re very inclusive and very knowledgeable about that stuff, and they hand out really good like helplines, like trans helplines and that. Other senses, I got misgendered by a lecturer once, but I mean I’m pretty, I mean like well you can’t really do anything about that, but overall it’s been good.

Did you confront them once you were misgendered, or did anyone confront them? Or anything happen?

When I get misgendered, it’s more embarrassing than anything, so to save the embarrassment I just kind of shrug it off and give them a weird look, like Are you crazy?’ or something like that. But the thing is she was talking to another one of my lecturers at the time, when she said it, and that’s, it kind of gave more embarrassment because then he was like, he looked at me and he was like this [lowers head and sighs] like, so it was, it was just really embarrassing more than anything, so I didn’t want to get more embarrassed so I just left it.

Evelyn’s mum: Yeah, we had a few issues, cos , when [name] changed her name initially we, I asked them to change it on the doctors thing, because they’ve got a big monitor in the surgery, obviously you don’t call people in now verbally do they, they call them in through a big screen. So obviously we didn’t want her name to flash up so I asked them to change it. And she said, Well it will still flash up she says, I can put a preferred name option, but her legal name will still come up on the board and I said, Well that’s not really acceptable, because obviously she’s going to be sat in the middle of a busy surgery and, they wouldn’t, they wouldn’t alter it. She refused. So in the end we ended up getting the deed poll done a lot quicker than we probably would have done. Just to stop all, you know, the hassle we were getting really. Then she got a letter through another part of the NHS, for an injection with school, and that came through in her old name, and title. So, I phoned them up and I asked how we can alter that because I’d obviously changed her name by deed poll at the surgery by this point. So, the lady I asked, said well you’d have to get a new NHS number, cos this comes from a central bank. So basically, if she gets referred to any other area of the hospital then they will refer to the central bank and it’ll come in her old name, regardless, so you’ll have, so this is what we had to do. So, I did some research on how to do that.

My first step was actually changing my name, I mean it took a lot longer than what I had hoped. So because of being in the incident I was still waiting for a lot of things to go through, court cases were still going through, compensation was still going through, so a lot of things stopped me from being able to start it. I couldn’t change my name legally because then I wasn’t the person that were needing to go through this other situation that I was going through. So, it was a difficult time to kind of know what I wanted but have a hold on it. But it was a good time, it was a good time for me to start you know dipping my toes in the water if you will. I started to grow my hair at this point, ‘cos you don’t need to change your name and dress in women’s clothes to grow your hair, you know. Or to… You, I think any step that you take first is an incredible step. I know a lot of people that never change their name, and you don’t need to, you know. I’d always hated my original name so I couldn’t wait to change it, but I spoke to [city] [city] clinic for transgender dysphoria, and they were kind of my first step and they basically told me that until you change your name legally we wouldn’t really even consider a meeting with you yet. And I needed to go through my GP. So, this one had to kind of wait in the wings until you know my court cases and everything had kind of gone through. So that, I mean that took a year. It took me a year of transitioning in myself and finding my own self, before I could start my journey. And then that was it. As soon as everything had gone through, as soon as everything was laid to rest, I was off. I changed my, I changed my name, online, I found out that, cos a lot of people pay for a changed name. And that’s not legally right. So, you can change, there you go, there you go. You can change your name on a piece of paper as long as you’ve got two witnesses, and you just, all you’re declaring is that is no longer your name and you will never use it again. So that was the first thing I did and my friend was the person that signed for me, and I had another friend, both were transgender, and they both signed for me, that was a great, it was a transgender male and he, I worked with him so he was, he was really lovely. And he kind of told me about changing my name to be honest, he was so, You actually don’t need to payand you can do it this way and he’d already started to go through it, so I did all that and that was it. I went straight to my GP, luckily I have a client that works in the GP’s so as soon as I started to go through it she recognised my name and I got put through quite quick. So even the time that I’d lost I’d gained it quite quickly. But its, you know as I started to go through it and started to you know get my meetings and it’s a huge waiting list and I think it gets more and more every year. I think they’re saying two years now. Whereas a year for me. So, and I got quicker than that because I was able to see doctors sooner. So yeah it was, it was a long process before I could even start the journey really.