Eel

Well, when I got my first GIDS appointment I guess we spent like, a lot of the sessions talking about like, what gender means. And only recently, actually, we started talking about interventions and like other than social kind of transitioning and because I’m in like a weird like twilight or like limbo situation where I’m a year from adult services. And when, which means it’ll be a year before I can probably get my hormones. And usually, in the past, they said, if I came into GIDS earlier then I would have to be on like a year of hormone blockers and then I would get testosterone. But because I’ve already gone through puberty, hormone blockers wouldn’t do anything. So, I’m like, I was in a position to choose to go on hormone blockers and basically not do much or not go on hormone blockers and then go to adult services and get testosterone. So I’m kind of just like chilling and waiting for my, getting like, an appointment at an adult service.

Well I guess like from my appearance you can see like, I’m wearing makeup and nails and stuff. And you know, I’ve like, recently I’ve started to kind of embrace my inner femininity. I just kind of realised that like, people’s perception of what my gender is and I guess how much I ‘pass’, it doesn’t matter that I’m just gonna dress however I want even if that’s gonna end in a situation where strangers, in their heads think of me as female… Or they might even like, in some way kind of tell me that they think I am female. Like, it doesn’t matter because I know I am a guy and even if I express my masculinity in a, not hyper, but very feminine and very kind of non-aggressive way, it doesn’t change the fact that that’s my masculinity and I can, I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

I mean I feel like I am like, quite… I do sense and I do know that I’m aware of that sort of peer pressure because there’s a lot of like, there’s a lot of drama actually within the kind of young trans male YouTube community, ‘cos there is one certain YouTuber and I cant remember his name, but he is this YouTuber and sort of he’s like a TERF almost. Ive forgot what TERF means. Trans ex… He kind of excludes non-binary people and he says if you’re non-binary then you’re not really trans or whatever. Like if you don’t have gender dysphoria or like whatever you’re not really trans.

Yeah, so people like him sort of there is a lot of trans people who push forward the narrative that you can only be trans if you have body dysphoria and if you dress like the, the stereotypical man or woman and if you’re, you identify as non-binary and if you dress like you’re not a binary gender and you are not trans and you’re making, you know, you are making trans people seem like snowflakes and you’re giving other trans people a bad name, which is such like a toxic mindset for anyone to have and there’s so much sort of segregation and really sort of horrible behaviour within the trans community.

And I feel like I kind of like I’m, I go through the very mainstream trans experience of having body dysphoria of feeling like, like, you know, I hate my body and I want to have surgery. But I am a very, very feminine guy and so it’s like, you know, I understand that like you know, some trans people, some non-binary people, I understand what they’re going through. I am not as villainised by the rest of the trans community as they are. So, I guess, I guess it’s just a feeling of like my narrative, any person who believes they are trans like their narrative is valid enough just because they say so and that it’s so toxic and it’s very, very, very much like what the oppressors would say to be like [pointing gesture] you’re not trans, you’re trans, you’re not trans, and to kind of have like a body of authority to dictate who’s allowed to be trans when it’s, when we’re literally meant to be the community that’s meant to be embracing people and loving people for who they are. Yeah, then you get these toxic people who try to dictate other people’s stories.

There is a show that I watched recently called, Euphoria.

Oh yeah, yeah.

It’s so good. There is a main character in it called, Jules who is a trans girl and I think this is the first time that I have seen like a really kind of, like a really positive and really sort of you know, just like I really vibe with her character and I’m like, I love this trans representation and even as a trans guy I can relate to her and kind of there’s small bits in it where the, the most of the shows she’s just a girl that happens to be trans. And then there are a few bits where we are reminded that she’s trans and therefore there’s a load of shit that comes with it. And it’s like, it’s an intense show to be honest.

I guess I’m just really excited for all these new TV shows coming out with very positive kind of trans portrayals. Although I am not seeing that many trans guys. There was a show called, Shameless which was kind of a weird show, but there was one trans guy

that was actually a trans gay man who was the love interest of one of the characters, but his whole character is like he’s trans and that he’s educating his partner on what being a trans guy is. But that is some trans representation I guess.

It would be nice to be asked, what’s your pronouns? like for a GP I guess I would really like it if like if I was having like a mental kind of like, if I was feeling like the world was against me and I am so alone and I have no one to turn to and I know I am one gender, yet the world sees me as another and I want to be able to like talk to my GP and kind of maybe be quite vague, cos you don’t wanna be like, well, I have a penis, but I feel like I should have boobs and a vagina and I am mentally torn and I want to die because of the situation. Like you don’t wanna spill your heart to a GP as a stranger. I feel like, you know, again, like maybe some training could be done to be like one of the person comes and they say these things or they give off a vibe. You could say, well, hey, maybe you’re experiencing gender dysphoria and kind of be very like helpful and be able to guide the young person or whoever to and just make the GP and the doctor’s office like a safe space, I guess.