Bailey

Ive been told in the past that I’m not actually trans. It’s just because I have autism. Ive been told that. Which obviously it’s, I don’t even know what the word is for that. Quite disrespectful. But if it like, I don’t really know how to put it. I just, it’s a bit, it’s just disrespectful to say that to somebody but. I just sort of doubted that and obviously I’m, I don’t know how to put it. I just sort of took that on the chin and just sort of well who are you to tell me who I a. Doesn’t really matter what you say does it Like I’ll do what I wanna do.

My voice is actually higher than this, this is the voice that Ive managed like to train myself to have because obviously I’m a performing art student. When you sing, your natural singing voice comes out. Mine is like high. But obviously I bring it down so that I sing with the boys. But, if I was like to break out now, I’d be like some next Adele well obviously not that good [laugh], but Id be as high pitched as Adele or something like that. It’s not, it’s not this deep. This is just something Ive trained to bring down.

It didnt take me that long. I think that’s just because—I don’t know if this is even a thing. I might just be making this up. But, I feel like because, in my head, I’m a boy. My brain just knows to keep it lower and my brain knows to sit like a boy. My brain knows that it just sorta knows like I didnt, Ive not, I don’t know if this is just cause my family are tall. But, I’m quite built like a boy, quite tall. Ive got big feet. Ive got quite a deep voice. It’s not, it’s not like I’m like four foot ten with long hair and a squeaky voice. It’s just, I feel like my body just sorta went, oh you’re a boy so let’s just make you tall and give you massive feet, which is stereotypical, but it works [laughs].

I really don’t know how you do it. I sort of, it’s almost like a tenseness in my throat, like I tense like around like here and it tends to bring it down. Because obviously if you like if you make a higher voice you tend to push and then a higher noise comes out, whereas if you pull it in it tends to go lower. I don’t know if that’s just cause Ive had like singing training and stuff that it’s just brought it back down. Cause obviously you have to stoop down to those bottom notes and then like push it all out. But just, just try and talk as low as possible if you’re trying to get a lower voice. And then, your brainll sort of remember and obviously if your hearts, you know that in your heart, like you’re a boy. It just tends to stay. It, it doesnt, it’s not like you’re suddenly talking like a woman, then you go, wait, I’m meant to be talking like a bloke now. It, it just happens. But, if you try to like train yourself to do it, Id say, tense your throat sort of pull it down, I don’t really know how to describe it. But pull it down into your diaphragm and it tends to stay lower.

Been in hospital a few times. But obviously I know if sometimes if you want say hormone treatment and you’re in and out of hospital with self-harm, suicide attempts, it can slow it down, because they have to make sure that you’re in the right mind state. But then, when I went to [GIC] they said, well, sometimes if we prolong it, it’s just gonna wind you up more and you are gonna do it more, because you’re getting upset and distressed.

Well, when they said like that if we delay it might, it will just, it might just make things worse. I was quite relieved, cause I thought, they were gonna turn around and go, well youve been in hospital several times in the past year, so were not gonna do anything for another eight months. I would have gone mental. Idve actually gone mental. But the fact that they said that was like reassuring the fact that they understood that that was happening, because they were taking so long.

I used to go to CAMHS, cause obviously, Ive got autism, I’ve got severe OCD anxiety and obviously gender identity dysphoria. But when I remember being at CAMHS and they were doing some form thing like doctors always do. And they said something about clothes and they were like, I cant remember exactly what it was, but it was something to do with the way I dressed and they were like, Oh, do you think that’s to do with your autism? And I was like, Why would the way I dress have anything to do with autism? And they were like, well, then they obviously asked questions about why I dressed like a boy and why I had short hair and all that sort a stuff. Not questioning me at all, but just asking why that’s the way I was and then obviously I was like, Cause I’m a boy. And they were like, What? And then obviously they referred it to people to work out more what was going on and then obviously it just came out [laughs].

I didn’t like if, like if we were to have a lesson at school about it, I don’t think, in the nicest way I don’t think Id care, because a teacher don’t know anything about it. Theyre not specialised in it. Theyre not, it’s not like if you’re an English teacher, you know what’s what. You know this is, they don’t know anything about it, so I wouldn’t really care I’d be like well, the half the stuff you are saying is probably irrelevant anyway and you probably have no idea what you’re talking about. So I wouldn’t really pay much attention, which I know sounds ridiculous, considering I’m in this position. But, I just, I wouldn’t take any notice of it, because they are not trained in that, that’s not their field, so I wouldn’t really pay much attention.