Messages to other trans and gender-diverse young people

Young trans people are amazing and they give me so much hope and so much like, I get so emotional thinking of young trans people, and especially young trans people of colour. They just are so vocal and so supportive of each other, and really trying, you know it’s a difficult world to try and find your way through, at the best of times, you know. I think advice is just to always regardless of you know, who is supportive in your life, and who isn’t? That there are always, there are people who will support you unconditionally, and it’s just a matter of finding your way to those people. And if you haven’t found them yet, you know there’s so many resources, there’s youth groups, and support services that can help, because I think all, all trans people, but especially young people just deserve to be affirmed and supported, and reminded that you’re valid and your experiences are real, and yeah.

Like, it can be hard. it’s a very difficult path. it’s not easy and we didn’t choose this. And, personally, I wouldn’t choose this if asked to again. Like there is like you think, I always used to dream of like there being some magical genie or something that would just take me out of this and it is scary and it’s hard to cope with. it’s hard to get over it. You just keep pushing. You will get there and it will be completely worth it. It is hard now, but this is a storm you can weather and you are never alone, never alone. And that, if you have the resources available, you can always use the internet. You can always contact people and there will be people out there are understanding and empathetic. They’ve probably been through the same situation you have. And they have gotten through it and they will survive and so will you. So, just hang in there. Be strong, be brave and be proud of yourself because you’re doing a great thing by just being yourself.

Just to be honest and not try to fit into these moulds that you think that you’re gonna, you need to fit into if you do suspect that you’re trans like you don’t need to label yourself straight away. I don’t mean like, don’t say that you’re trans, obviously. Just take some time to figure out how you feel about yourself and who you are and talk with people about how you feel. Talk with your friends. Most importantly be honest about how you feel if you feel like you are not the gender that people say you are. Maybe try to see how it feels when people call you different pronouns or if you feel more non-binary. Don’t rush into being trans female just because you don’t feel trans male, no, don’t rush into calling yourself a female just because you don’t feel like a male and vice versa. But most important, just focus on being happy and that’s the most important thing. If you’re not happy then there’s no real point of you doing anything.

I would say do you know what, just be yourself. Just be unapologetically yourself because at the end of the day who else can you be? It’s hard, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that it’s easy. I mean what makes things easier is the people you have around you. So some people have been lucky enough to have a really supportive, you know really supportive network around them. Maybe their location or their family and friends are very opening and accepting. And some people have had the complete opposite.

So you know I’ve had a bit of both and all you can do is be you because this is the life that, sadly this is what has happened you know. In order for you to have any chance of happiness you need to just go for it. Like it’s a case of don’t sell yourself short and the end of the day just be truthful to yourself and you know there’s no harm in experimenting. There’s time, you’ve got time to make your mind up but it’s a case of you know. I have a lot of friends who have said you know what I thought I was trans when I was younger but growing up I’ve become comfortable in my skin and that is absolutely fine. There’s people that go through this and then they detransition that’s absolutely fine.

Everyone is entitled to their own journey, it’s no one else’s business what happens. You feel like you wanted that but you’ve changed your mind, you need to do whatever you can to keep yourself alive and well and happy.

And I think anyone who comes out about this and you know they’re open about it from when they’re young hats off to you because it’s something that I’ve never been able to do. I hid that part me for a very long time and I have spent the majority of my life unhappy and obviously the way that I’ve sort of turned out in my adult life I’ve still got a lot of work to do to feel even more comfortable with myself and to be the best person I can be.

If you start this from young by the time you get to my age you will be living the most fantastic life and you’ll be fulfilling all of your dreams. But you need to, you need to be honest with yourself and you need to take those steps. It’s scary, it’s very scary but you know if people want to be upset about it like if family, if you feel like family and friends are going to be upset about it, oh well you can get new friends, you can choose your own family.

At the end of the day just make sure whatever you do, you are in a safe position to do so. So do not you no compromise your safety in any way. Obviously if you want to, if you feel like you’re at the point to share it, confide in someone that you trust and then you can work on that you can build on that because you know it is, it’s tough. Even people who’ve had a really good support network, it’s a tough journey; physically, mentally, spiritually, everything. It’s not easy, you don’t just take hormones or have surgery and then bang you wake up and all your problems are solved. That is not the case, it’s not the case, it’s not a case to escape your problems or to escape you know who you are. This is something that you do because this is who you actually are inside.

So please don’t think that by doing all this all of your problems will be solved. Yes it can help but it’s not going to solve every single issue that you have internally and around you ok but yeah you do you, just live your best life.

Do your research, always. Watch every YouTube video you can find, read every article, join every forum, ask questions. If you know trans people ask questions, ask questions. You know, maybe if you know a trans person talk to them and say, I’m just questioning and I want to ask you many questions as I can. And they, they will, 99% of the time they will be yeah sure, shoot. Ill talk to you about anything. And it’s like, make sure you know what you’re talking about, because you don’t wanna sort of come out and then un come out and have a mistake and then I’m not sure I’m still questioning and then your parents are like, well, you changed your mind last time I’m not gonna support you this time. Make sure you kind of have, are pretty sure of what you’re talking about. You know, of course, you can, you might change your mind later. You might come out as trans and be like, actually, I feel like more non-binary or might come out as non-binary actually I feel more like this.

The other thing is there is no rush to come out. Make sure you’re safe, first and foremost, because you don’t want to come out to your parents and have them absolutely kick you out the house. You have everything taken off you, you have no phone, you have no computer, you have no way of talking to the outside world. you’re are permanently going for the rest of your life theyre not gonna support you. You cant go to the doctor to talk about the, you know, you cant talk to the people at school. You have no support from your friends and theyre gonna kick you out the house. Make sure you have a safe place. Make sure you know at least one person in your family who is gonna support you. Make sure that you have a place to stay if you’re gonna, if you’re gonna have to move out. Make sure you have a warning with your friends or something. You maybe tell your friends first and make sure that they know, you know, if this goes badly, I might not be online sort of thing. Because I feel sometimes people are like pushed to come out, come out now, come out now. It’s like, well if theyre not in a safe place, if you’re not in a safe place, don’t if you’re not gonna be okay when youve come out. Wait until you are ready. And also, if you don’t accept yourself yet, you’re not gonna be accepted. You need to have accepted yourself to a level where it doesnt matter what anyone else says. you’re gonna still love yourself. You know, I think a lot of people who are trans want to be stealth when they are older because it’s not safe to not be stealth 99% of the time. If you’re, especially when travelling. If you ever intend to go to Russia. It’s like if you’re out and really loud about it youll be blocked from countries. You have to remain safe first and foremost. Make sure youve done your research and you know what you’re talking about, otherwise someone’s gonna call you out on something and, and you’re not gonna have an answer. And I think that’s, that’s the biggest thing. And, and you know, take your time and, and be understanding when people do get things wrong. I know a lot of trans people who get cross when someone gets their pronouns wrong and theyve been out for a day. I’m like, okay, calm down [laughs] it’s gonna, it is gonna take time. It, it does get frustrating when parents after ages say, Well it’s difficult. And then, it’s like, okay, it’s been a few months, you are not trying hard enough. But if it’s not being very long or someone hasnt seen you in a while or whatever and it’s just an honest thing. don’t get mad, cause it’s just a mistake. don’t be rude. don’t invalidate the other people, you know, just, you know, if you’re gonna live your way, live you way. don’t force it on other people and stuff. But make sure you know what you’re gonna say sort of thing. And, and, and if you have to come out to one person first, you know, whether that’s your trusted friend, your therapist, your mum, you know, even if the first time you ever say it out loud is to your dog, sort of thing. You know, sometimes you cant just sit down with everyone in one go and say it. I mean, I spoke to my best friend first. And then I spoke to my parents and then I spoke to my girlfriend last, even though normally I came to her first, because I was nervous of being rejected. And you know, so don’t, don’t let anyone tell you what you need to be as well. No, don’t let anyone tell you, to be trans you need to be this. To be a man you need to be this. To be a girl you need to be this, you know. don’t let anyone tell you are not valid, you know, oh, there’s only two genders and oh, fluid isnt a thing. It doesnt matter what they think. If you are sure, if youve looked it up and youve researched and you’re sure, then go ahead.

That it’s okay to not know everything about yourself. And that you might, you might know that you’re trans &/or non-binary, but you might not know all the things that that means for you, and that that’s okay. That you will probably go on quite a long kind of, well I think everybody, like life shouldn’t, life is seen, I don’t know we always frame life as something that we all like get to adulthood, we know what we’re doing, we’re a fully formed person, and we get on with life as an adult.

But actually, we are always in the process of learning who we are, and gender is one of the parts of that that for some people they never question it, but people like us do. And it’s okay to explore that and grow and change and figure out what feels right for you. And it’s okay if you don’t know that, all of that all the time, it’ll come to you.

I think be patient is a massive one I think just that could be for any, for all young people as well but for young Trans people I think God you have to be so patient with things and it’s tricky because there’s some people who are just in awful environments where like they’re raised by parents who are very gender conforming who are very much like or like religious, you know, who have these principles and beliefs and their, their faith, you know. And I think it’s being patient and realising that there are other ways to get out of situations, you know, they do not have to take the drastic option like you probably are going to have to end up being stronger than you’d like to be in a short space of time. And I think you sort of have to accept the fact that you are going to experience some form of discrimination or prejudice or bullying or just unfortunately, you know, it’s the world and anything could happen I think it’s preparing yourself and just knowing what to do in those situations. And it’s annoying because you shouldn’t have to do that it’s such an annoying thing that you can’t feel safe in your environment and I think it’s realising that as horrible as this situation can seem like it will change like it, you know, nothing stays the same, nothing lasts forever and things, you know, can get better, it doesn’t mean to say that they will overnight and they will really quickly but be patient that’s what I’d say.

As much as there will be challenges, there will also be fantastic opportunities for you to meet so many people that will enrich and benefit your life, and you will have so many experiences that will enrich and benefit your life. And as scary as it, I think it feels sometimes, I do believe that I think healthcare services will hopefully improve and that, that it will get easier for, for young people to access the support that they need. I’m really hopeful. Maybe I’m too optimistic, I don’t know. But I guess, I guess I’m almost at a stage now where I kind of want to see other trans people that are, that are older than me, so that I can kind of see what I’ve got to look forward to, and to see what to expect, I would urge trans, young trans people to seek out perhaps those kind of role models as well, and to, to just kind of seek out those safe spaces where they can be themselves. don’t ever try and suppress a feeling that you’ve got, and as hard as that might be sometimes to find that safe space, you will find it eventually cos they do exist.

Be safe. Mermaids [organisation], find reputable sources of information. Yeah, be safe. Fuck I’d love to sit here and say, come out, be yourself, no. I remember what being trans and a teenager was like – be safe. There will come a time where you can do it.

And you are not alone. I know it’s corny and you know, and it sounds like you know, there should be violins, you know, swearing in the background, but yeah, you’re not alone. Yeah and if you can and you feel safe doing it, talk to people about it. Find good people that you can trust and you can prove to yourself that you can trust and talk to them. And, you know, I would pick every trans child up by the shoulders and shake them and say, there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with this. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I am gonna start off cheesy but, you know, it gets better, it’s going to get better, you are valid, you are loved you have an amazing community that you can, you know, tap into if you want to but you don’t have to you know, you are worthy of respect and that you are worthy of yeah care and that you are, you know, you are you and that’s really special, you know, no-one else can be you. You are unique and that’s good and yeah but also if you do think you might want medical intervention get on that waiting list sooner rather than later [laughter] because it’s gonna be a little bit of a long wait but you can do it.