VM

My husband, my husband’s take on it was, well, she’s our child and we have to, you know, she’s old enough now, cause she was 21 I think when she told us that that’s what has to happen. You know, if that’s what she wants then were her parents and we had to go with that. My son was quite pragmatic about it all.

The rest of the family seem fine. They [sighs] yeah, I don’t have any brothers and sisters, my husband has a brother and he seems to have been fine about that. Yeah, that’s about it, really. I havent told, Ive told some of my cousins who I know would accept it. I havent told my huge wider family, because really, only have Christmas cards and the occasional phone call. So, I feel that’s none of their business, really. I’m not going to go there. My main concern was telling friends, close friends. And because they are close friends, everyone is just gone with it, really.

I have a friend who has, has a Facebook group and but I don’t really do online, so I don’t have Facebook and I don’t really—and I don’t really, I don’t really engage with people like that. I find it very difficult to tap things in and interact. There’s a WhatsApp group. But it’s very lightweight and sort of more heartfelt stuff you would do in the group, I’m not really that keen to do online. But I’m sure, as parents coming through and theyre younger, I’m sure the online thing would be great for them. It’s just not me, really.

I looked up the surgeon and he seemed to have done lots of them before. So, I would have said, she had a nurse who I never met. But assured her that she would be there for her throughout the whole operation process and anything she needed to know she would do. The day after the operation wed gone, we, she was drowsy and she needed to see someone. We went away and we came back and she said to us, The nurse has just told me she’s going to Australia for I cant remember now, four weeks so we were completely on our own. Which I cant quite get, I cant quite forgive that, really. So we left the hospital, came home and so we had nobody to sort of seek advice from, because this nurse had just said, I totally get she takes the time to go on holiday. But It was allI think my daughter said, phoned a couple of times, but they were a bit unhelpful, I felt, from my point of view. And then she did get ill and we had to talk, we were told to go to A&E – well, what good is going to A&E? What do they know about transgender operations? That would – probably even less than I do. And, at which point, she’s already, she hadnt signed on with a GP so we had, went round the corner and found a GP. Her temperature was going up and up and up and I was really worried. And we had, we eventually had a call with the GP who clearly knew nothing about transgender issues, but we knew because shed been told she might get an infection that, her temperature was really high and she needs antibiotics… This GPshe just said, They are there. Ive written a prescription out, go and get them. And that was great, because it’s what she needed. We needed someone to sort of believe us without saying, Well, I need to see you again and I need to. And, I thought, good on her. And she did and my daughter took them and got better. But I felt we were really let down by the people who should have said, Come and see us now. And they didnt.

How did you first learn about different terms and identities related to gender diversity?

Oh right, well, [laughs] I think she had to explain the pronoun things and then, then I got more up, I suppose it was like a learning curve and we just had to get on with it and do it. And it makes you much more aware how you, what you say to people. I find myself now saying to people, I never assume if I’m talking to a woman, I never assume her partner is a man. So and that’s the thing I always use the phrase partner until they made it very clear how they identify their partner. I just think it makes you a bit more careful. In a funny sort of way, I think it broadens your outlook onto people, because you don’t, you, you do still stereotype people, but you are much more open about how you’re going to view people. And, and I think that’s all for the best, really.

I have to admit here, I thought to myself, I am going to have to move. That’s it. I’m just gonna have to leave my whole life behind. How, how am I going to tell people and I know that sounds awful now and it makes me seem really shallow. But I did seriously think, what, what are people going to say? And then, when I came, when I came round, I thought, well I don’t care anymore. You know, after sensible chats and talking to my son who has been very good through this whole process. I thought, I don’t care what people say. I have enough really good friends who will stick by me and stick by my daughter. And if they don’t then they are off the Christmas card list. That’s the way it goes.

It was difficult in the beginning. It was difficult to get the pronouns right. It was difficult to know what to say. But I think it was difficult for us all. But we got through it, I feel. And we managed to hold onto a relationship, which I think is quite difficult, because lots, there’s lots of ups and downs and lots of things you don’t know and obviously my daughter is on hormones and that makes life sometimes difficult and you, and I, you constantly say the wrong thing and you don’t realise youve said the wrong thing. But we did manage to remain in contact.

Obviously, I went to lots of websites and trawled through some websites.

How was that experience?

Poor, really. Because you just read loads of things. I mean, I think Ive sat down and read lots of things. And then I got very, very upset. And then I called, I found a support group and so Ive got to talk to someone. I’m not [sighs] I’m not [laughs] I don’t want to read and assimilate information. I want to talk to someone about it. I’m better with one to one or in a group talking about it than I am about sitting down just, you know, reading stuff. So that’s, that is the way I did it, really.

So what was upsetting about finding the information online?

Oh, there was just lots of things. How long people would wait or how, I mean there is lots of stuff out there about how people trans people are discriminated against. How, you know, violence against them. There’s lots of that stuff out there. It does make you depressed. You do think to yourself, you know, this is not a life I envisaged for my child. And how tough is this going to be? So I think that’s looking online can make you do that.