Oonagh

It’s really, it’s like you get black and white, you get really black and white with her. She just says it as she, as it is and [name of participant’s child] has to deal with it. So shell say, How can you be, how can you be a girl? She says, This is my sister, [name of participant’s child]. She accept her as being [name of participant’s child] my sister, you’re my best sister ever and all this stuff. And then if a discussion happens where were talking about puberty or periods or anything like that, cause my older daughter just recently started her periods. So, well you know about periods, cause you, youve got a peni. You know, shell say it as it is. She’s quite straightforward. And then we have to explain to her what, try and explain to her what it means to be trans and I suppose that’s some of the, some of the things that weve mentioned and talked about in terms blockers and puberty and all these things, explaining to her, actually, that’s how it’s come about. Weve explained in quite sort of simple terms to [name of participant’s other child] and then as a discussion as a group then we can explain it between us. Weve talked as a little family about it [laughs]. Cause [name of participant’s other child] is so open, so in your face with everything. She’s, you know, she’s examining, I know this is like you might want to look through this, but she’s examining her sanitary towels and I think everything is out in the open. You know, it’s like, [name of participant’s child] wants to wear them, sanitary towels. You know, she’s wanting to put them in [laughs]. It’s quite funny. Yeah, she’s challenging, because I worry about that as well, because they are gonna go to the same school and I know [name of participant’s child] is thinking she doesnt wanna go to the same school even though it’s the best school for LGBT support and things in the area. She’s thinking she doesnt want to go to the school because of [name of participant’s other child], because she knows, I think she knows that [name of participant’s other child] is gonna out her, because [name of participant’s other child] cant help herself. Shell be like, Uh, she used to be a boy. Shell will out her. I know she’s going to. That is on the cards. So, yeah, there’s that worry, cause she, yeah. So I think the best thing is to be open about everything, because it’s gonna be, it’s gonna be out in the open whether we want it or not. So just trying to make that as positive as possible [laughs].

You think about all these things, because obviously that’s one of the things that you do worry about. You know, if you were gonna go down the route of puberty blockers, cross sex hormones and things, you’re gonna go down that route then the child needs to know that that is gonna effect their fertility. And Ive, we, I have talked, I have said to her about it. Ive talked to her. Weve talked around the subject of puberty blockers, already. And I said, What about children? What if you cant have children? What would you do? She said, ‘shed adopt. I mean I know she cant really know for sure how she’s gonna feel now as she would when she’s older. You cant, as a child, you don’t really know the consequence, the full consequence of it, do you? But I don’t know a lot about the actual process for fertility preservation. But I do know that if the earlier that you go on puberty blockers and sex hormones then it’s harder to be able to preserve fertility, I think, because of the hormones just affect so much.

Cause you just feel, you just feel lost without the information you need to help you understand what’s happening with your child and that you, there’s nothing wrong with the child. I think as well that to navigate, to navigate all the things that are being said in the media and what other people, friends or family say, all these things that people are telling you all the time about what you should or shouldnt be doing to support your child. If youve got a network of support there with other people that are having similar experiences, you can come to a better understanding about what’s happening to yourself without anybody’s sort of uniformed views coming into play all the time, which I think, I think might happen if you didnt have that support.

I have a concern about the lack of knowledge GPs have initially I think about transgender children. I think theyve got experience of adults and they seem to have experience of that. But locally, in [name of the area], I don’t think there’s a lot of knowledge within GP circles. And the GP that we saw, initially, he admitted he hadnt had any dealings with a child that young. And he needed to take it to a panel to approve funding, which showed that, I didnt know at the time, but it showed that he wasnt aware of the process that he needed to go through to support the child. And the referral that we wanted to GIDS he was going to take it to a panel to decide whether that was gonna be the case. So, I pursued it by getting advice from Mermaids and wrote them a letter and asked them to refer us and then, then it happened. So he obviously wasnt aware of what he should do in that situation.

Was that the first time you discussed your child’s gender identity with a health professional when you went?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you remember how that meeting was?

He seemed open to it. He seemed open. He was professional. He didnt display any prejudice or anything. But he, you could tell that he didnt really know what the process was or what would happen with a child and how the referral, what would happen with a referral to GIDS, yeah. So I don’t think he, I don’t think he’s, he’s quite high up GP sort of on the [name of the area] level I think. At his level, I think he should have known a bit more about the process.

When you get referred to GIDS then they should send you information, which they don’t do at the moment, they just send you a letter saying you are on the waiting list and how long you are gonna wait. They should send you information about the process, what might happen. And also, they should send you information about support. Support is the most important thing. Support groups, if the healthcare system and the NHS cant provide that themselves, then they should point you in the direction of the support groups that can help you at that stage while you are waiting, cause a lot of people are waiting for a really long time with no support and that’s a key time to get the support in place and if GIDS recommend groups, charities like Mermaids then I think that’s a way forward to help the parents and the children understand what’s gonna be happening and what the next steps are. I do know that some parents have said that theyve been to their appointments at GIDS and theyve other families in the waiting room who have never heard of Mermaids. I don’t think that should be the case at all. They should, if families are getting to that stage where theyre going for their first appointment after two years and theyre in the waiting room and they havent even heard of these organisations that can support them, there’s something going wrong with the support mechanisms for families.

Well Ive always known about transgender being a term and but I didnt really know about the difference between transsexual and transgender. I was a bit confused about that and then, and then I was, I was with the LGBTQ umbrella, you know, the terminology. Ive tried to educate myself about what that one means. It’s, it’s confusing initially for somebody that has got no knowledge. I had some but there were a lot of people that have literally no knowledge whatsoever. So things like pronouns. Ive learned a lot about, about why it’s necessary to for example display your pronouns, to be inclusive.

I would say that you should just be led by the child and if a child is saying that they want to go to school in a uniform, particular uniform or they want to dress in clothes different to what they are dressing in at the moment, that you should just go with what they want and take, take it day by day and be led by the child also just to try and get as informed as possible. Join local support groups and seek out other parents whove gone through the experience. Everybody’s experience is different, but everybody can bring, every experience can bring something thatd be useful for you to know. And even just having that community that you can call upon if you need to ask a question can make the difference and give you confidence really to do the best for your child. And not doubt, yeah, not doubt, not doubt your child and not be pressured by anybody else. Just go by what your child wants to do.

Wed been waiting, cause a lot of people go to the system a bit later and it’s all a bit of a worrying time, because the children at sort of started puberty and things like that, whereas she said time was on our side. We can make sure that any intervention is at a time, timely point. She was reassuring. But she said, you know, you just have to, cause this is watch, watch and wait approach that they have. I mean my worry is that [name of participant’s child] doesnt really display dysphoria. And my worry is that because she doesnt display dysphoria about her body that theyre gonna see that as some sort of indication that she’s not trans. To me, I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt, everything’s pointing to the fact she is trans but she doesnt necessarily have to have dysphoria to be trans. But I worry that the GIDS system seems to think that you have to be really, really in traumatic, trauma about your body to be trans.

At the moment she’s, at the moment she’s okay. But I do feel like she could be susceptible to a deterioration in mental health, because she’s quite, she’s quite sensitive. I don’t know what will happen if and when puberty starts happening. I know that she is, as she’s getting older, because she’s just becoming more aware of everything. And I think the more aware she is of her peers and how theyre developing. She’s always felt a little bit different anyway. She’s always felt like she didnt fit in with the boys and she didnt fit in with the girls. And now that she’s a trans girl, she doesnt, I think that she has got a fear that she’s not quite like all the other girls and that she wants to fit in with them. And she just wants to be normal and just do all the things that all her peers are doing. And I can see as well that she’s noticing that other girls are developing in a different way, because they get, theyre shooting up. Theyre getting, developing breasts and all those things that go along [with] it. I think she’s just, things becoming a little bit more acute for her and she’s not distressed as yet, but I think there’s a potential there. So I am just keeping an eye on her really and making sure that she’s okay and if anything happens where I think her mental health is deteriorating then I would be quick to try and sort it out in whatever way I could. So I don’t know what that would be if we hadnt reached the point where we were in GIDS then maybe I would go to CAMHS, maybe. You know, there’s always these options available. So, I, I’m just waiting to see what will happen and just keeping an eye on, on how she is. Just answering all her questions and making sure she knows that were there to support her.

I’m keeping my eye on things. I’m keeping my eye on what is available and the options that are out there. And if I felt – Ive thought about this – if we were at GIDS and they were putting us on hold and I could see that see the [name of participant’s child] was suffering and her mental health is deteriorating and they were maybe saying, we’ got to wait a bit longer. She cant go on puberty blocker or whatever. We need to wai and then she was, I could see that she was suffering, I would be really tempted to try and go elsewhere to help to get her the help she needed. Id prefer to stay in the NHS if I could if she was getting the right support and I feel like possibly we are gonna get the right support for her, because were in the system soon enough. But if, I can see other families in the situations where I definitely would go private, because theyre just not getting the support they need at the time they need it. I know of the Gender GPs and all the controversy around that. So I am aware of all the things that are going on with that. And then Ive seen stories of teenagers that have gone down that route. But it just depends on the child and what happens, what age they are.

I was pleased that the school were being accepting. I was sort of set, I was worried that thered be a challenge. You know, they might challenge it in some way. Cause Id heard of other situations where schools hadnt been accepting. So it was a relief more than anything, a relief that they were going to be supporting of her. And then it made me confident and we could instil confidence in each other so the day that we walked, we went to school when she was first dressed. We both were scared. But we supported each other and that gave me confidence that she could do it and she was confident that I supported her and that I would do my best to make it as easy as possible for her. And anything, any little bits of bullying that she had initially, the head teacher just nipped it in the bud straight away and she hasnt really had a problem at school at all since then.

The teacher, as soon as this situation happened, he obviously researched locally and found other schools locally that had trans kids in their school and he wrote up a policy based on some of the websites that I sent in through my contact with Mermaids. I sent him like a toolkit and things from [city] and he took that along with the advice from other schools in the area and he wrote the policy, quite quickly, which he gave to me to look at. And then once that was approved, that was in place.

I didnt want her to be in that position where she was teased and bullied for wearing a girl’s uniform. But eventually, after we bought her a pair of girl’s school shoes and she wore those with her normal rest of it, boy’s uniform, trousers, everything and she just, it was like one step at a time for her. She was trying it out. I felt like she was trying to move forward and sort of questioning me whether shed be able to do that and so we, we decided to go and see the head teacher. We made an appointment. Oh no, actually, just before we made the appointment, we went to a parents evening and with her teacher and she was like, tell her, tell her, tell the teache [whispers]. So I said, He – at the time – wants me to tell you that he wants to come in a girl’s uniform. And the teacher’s response was, without flinching, That’s fine. don’t worry. There’s no problem with that, you know. As soon as she said that, the teacher, [name of participant’s child] started crying. It was like a relief and then the teacher accepts me and I can move forward with what I want to do next. And she wanted me to go see the head teacher and so we made an appointment with the head teacher and again, he was accepting. So all these, all these accepting steps meant that she felt more confident, every day through this quite short process, really. He said, When do you want to come dressed in the girl’s uniform. And she said, Tomorrow, tomorrow. So we left the head teacher’s office and went round to George at Asda then tried on all the uniform, bought her the uniform. The next day she went in the girl’s uniform and that was the beginning of it all of her just becoming this confident little girl that she always was and we didnt realise.

He’s a very business-like type teacher. And he wants to everything right. I think he had a bit of push back from some parents and governors, you know, he never said much about what that was. But he was challenged by some of the governors, I think and several of the parents did go in with concerns about toilets and things to him. But he, one example he did give me was that a parent had said, My daughter is, I’m concerned that my daughter is going to have to share toilets. And he said, Well that’s fine, she can use this other toilet. So he was quite business-like about it and set them straight. So [name of participant’s child] was always been allowed to use the girl’s toilets from the start.

And the referral that we wanted to GIDS he was going to take it to a panel to decide whether that was gonna be the case. So, I pursued it by getting advice from Mermaids and wrote them a letter and asked them to refer us and, then it happened. So he obviously wasnt aware of what he should do in that situation.

Was that the first time you discussed your child’s gender identity with a health professional when you went?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you remember how that meeting was?

He seemed open to it. He seemed open. He was professional. He didnt display any prejudice or anything. But he, you could tell that he didnt really know what the process was or what would happen with a child and how the referral, what would happen with a referral to GIDS, yeah. So I don’t think he, I don’t think he’s quite high up GP sort of on the [name of the area] level I think. At his level, I think he should have known a bit more about the process.

I’m introducing ideas as well about what’s gonna happen when we go to the appointments and that will be discussed about, I say, how do you feel about puberty. Cause she’s seen her older sister go through puberty. She’s aware that it’s happening and she sometimes she doesnt really ask a lot of questions. If I try and initiate discussion or she’s quite open about talking about it with me. And she just, with the puberty blockers I think she understands what it means. She knows that it gives her some time to think about what she wants for the future. And I think that’s appealing, as far as I can tell that that’s appealing to her at the moment, yeah. So definitely, she doesnt, she definitely doesn’t want to develop the male things that she sees you know, like her dad, you know, hairy and you know, beard and all that stuff, she definitely doesnt want any of that.

I’m just hoping with the—on the one hand youve got all this horrible negative stuff. But I’m hoping that as a result of that, people as well are getting more educated, I’m hoping on the flip side of it. That’s my hope, anyway. This is why I think trans people and trans children, the more visibility there is, then it becomes more normal that these people exist and theyre just the same as everybody else. That’s what I’m hoping. But yeah, it’s scary as well to see the anti trans stuff that’s been published and particularly the way that Mermaids has been accused of being like some sort of political organisation that’s pushing parents to turn their children trans and it’s just ridiculous. I just have to do my little bit to try and educate the people.

I must say that the main, the main resource that’s still Mermaids and still the parents that post on the forums. So, I’m a member of the Facebook group and the forums on there are the best, the best information you can get for a practical, practical support, because you can read as much as you want on the in articles and research, but if you want practical advice on different ages of children and what’s happened to people and what’s, you can find out so much more through the forum. So I mean, they are the main support, the parents and getting to know if youve got any questions you can go and ask the other parents, you know, has anybody got any experience of this Little things like does anybody know where to get good underwear, you know, for children, trans girls, that sort of thing. There’s nothing like that anywhere, apart from asking other parents and getting recommendations, swimwear, you know, a child wants to go swimming, youve got a whole other dimension to think about. Youve got all these things to think about. If theyre confident about going in the swimming pool then theyll be, theyll like, they can go swimming. Swimming costumes is an important aspect of that to be able to do it. It’s like all these things. But you don’t get that sort of practical support anywhere else. So I would say the parent forums on Facebook are the most, on the Mermaid’s forum, are the most important place. But then if you want, if you want background information about the research that’s been done then yeah, there’s research papers. But that can be confusing as well, because youve got so many conflicting papers about and you hear things quoted that you cant necessarily rely on and so there should there are organisations like Gendered Intelligence and there’s another one, I cant remember there’s a few different organisations that you can rely on and Stonewall even you can rely on for good information. So I would go to those organisations probably first and then look at their resources of what they recommend to read.

If they come across trans kids as part of their job, so they work in A&E or in a different, in a different kind of clinic where, you know, any sort of NHS service then every single member of NHS staff needs to have an understanding about trans gender children, I would be hopeful that they would have that in place, diversity training and organisations coming into the workplace and explaining what it means to be trans or gender diverse and a willingness to understand what it means and to be able to implement the recommendations in their everyday practice.