Georgina

It’s, four years nearly. And he still has a problem. He does call him the right name and the right pronouns and things like that. But they don’t talk about it. They don’t like to discuss it. And his girlfriend is much, much worse. She’s quite transphobic. So it isnt nice sending them there knowing that that’s the atmosphere. They quite often don’t want to go either. So, so yeah, he was a stumbling block with the doctors, but only a little bit. He what happened was, he wanted to go and have a check over the referral form, basically and make sure that wed put in what he thought was right.

I have said to them that I’m aware that he feels, I didnt say negatively, because he isnt openly negative. He just doesnt talk about it. His ex is, I mean, his girlfriend is negative. But I have said, if he disagrees with the course of action that we decide on or that we decide is best for [participant’s child’s name] would that stop that happening. Would he be able to stop any medication or whatever. And they said, We would always do what’s best for the child. And that was their answer. So if they thought that blockers was the best thing for [participant’s child’s name] then that’s what they would do. That said, I think they would probably factor in that the relationship with his dad may deteriorate if he was given those and therefore, would that then be in his best interest. How would they weigh it up, I’m not sure.

He wanted us to call him a boy’s name and he asked if we could get it to be changed at the register at school and things like that. Now, that bit was new for us, because he had mentioned a few things before, it’s always been the same name. But it kind of got forgotten about in a kid way. You know, we didnt think much of it. We thought he was mucking around and playing. Even though he obviously presented as male and by this point he had his hair cut, Id cut his hair earlier that year Id finally got it short and realised that it was my husband that was stopping the haircut and not me. Anyway, so he, the fact that he was wanted it outside of the home was the new thing. So I consider that to be his coming out day. Because that was when he, wanted to present to the world as somebody was who he was. And something that I noticed straight away about that was when I very much felt like Id put my little girl to bed and I came downstairs and I said, I feel like Ive just put her to bed and he’s gonna wake up in the morning. And it was really strange, really, really, really strange feeling. Probably a little bit like when you go for a caesarean section you know you’re gonna have a baby the next day. Must be really odd. But yeah, he, he responded to that name straight away whenever we said it. Whereas his old name it used to take us quite a while to get his attention [laughs]. We realise it was, it was never his name was it, you know? So that was kind of like a bit of a heartbreaking realisation.

The doctor suggested that it would be an idea for my ex to know before the referral went, because he thought it would cause problems, otherwise. And my son, hadnt at that point told him but he was due to go for a weekend and so I said to him, why don’t you write a letter. Bear in mind wed had many meltdowns about this, cause I was very aware that when he picked him up from school he was gonna get called the new name by the teachers and the kids. And his dad was gonna hit the roof, basically. Understandably. So I suggested that he write a letter, get him to read it and it was on his, when he came was it before he went yeah, it was before he went. So we got the letter to him and he read it and I got that he received it like ten oclock at night. So he rang me and gave me an earful and I got the brunt of it. But my theory was that hed have got it out of his system and started to think about it and research a little bit by the time my son went for his weekend with him.

The fact that he was wanted it outside of the home was the, the new thing. So I consider that to be his coming out day. Because that was when he, wanted to present to the world as somebody was who he was. And something that I noticed straight away about that was when I very much felt like Id put my little girl to bed and I came downstairs and I said, I feel like Ive just put her to bed and he’s gonna wake up in the morning. And it was really strange, really, really, really strange feeling. Probably a little bit like when you go for a caesarean section you know you’re gonna have a baby the next day. Must be really odd. But yeah, he responded to that name straight away whenever we said it. Whereas his old name it used to take us quite a while to get his attention [laughs]. We realise it was, it was never his name was it, you know? So that was kind of like a bit of a heart breaking realisation.

And we went down and had a little appointment just me and him with our the GP that we prefer at the doctors, cause there’s one that is particularly lovely. And we just sort of said, what it was, we just said, hed be, he’s preferred to be called this now and were not really sure where we go from here. However, I had, that evening, when he came out, I had gone on Facebook and just researched the hell out of the transgender support sites. So Id already joined a support page and did know that I needed a referral to [Gender Identity Development Service]. And that if the GP was non-compliant, I need to contact Mermaids. So I did know that. But he was completely fine and said, Yeah, no problem at all. I am, I havent got a great deal of experience in this, but I do have one other trans patient. I think theyre grown up. He didnt, he alluded and since a little bit with when we discussed hormones and stuff. So I don’t think he knew about the children’s services. So he said, I need to research it, but I think that’s what we need to do. And the next day he rang me back I think it was and said, Yeah, we need a referral to [Gender Identity Development Service] and you need to book a double appointment so that we can do referral and well get it sent. So, that is what we did. And we had the referral appointment which took a little while obviously going through all the questions and stuff. He said, There wont be a problem. He never queried anything and he just believed [participant’s child’s name] straight away. Sorry [laughs]. And he it, there was a little bit of a stumbling block in that he was, my son was very scared to tell his dad. And his dad was the last person on this little to do list of who to tell and things. So, it, the doctor suggested that it would be an idea for, for my ex to know before the referral went, because he thought it would cause problems, otherwise.

I havent done his Deed Poll yet. And the reason is partly because my ex-husband is in, let’s put inverted commas, no rus, which I think means don’t do it yet or otherwise Ill be cross. But also, right at the beginning I very much thought let’s see how long this lasts. It could well be a phase. Obviously, now were nearly four years, four years in, I think. I think it makes sense to do it before secondary school, if I’m honest, because of exams and stuff.

But the haircut was also a huge, emotional thing for me. I didnt realise how, I don’t know, I wasnt attached to it, to his hair at all it was, it was weird. We went to a friend to do it and she knew that hed been asking for it to be short for a long time and wed gone for a little bob to start with and it went, when shed got the she got the clippers out to just trim round the bottom of his neckline and he was so excited. And I didnt click that that was, it was because he thought she was gonna cut it off. Do you know what I mean? And I felt really guilty about that. And then we finally went and did it short, when he was seven, bearing in mind he started when he was four. It, his face, it just lit up with every cut and with every, the clippers on him, the feel of it and everything, he just, because it was almost like he emerged like a butterfly. It was weird. And something Ill never forget. It’s quite emotional.

And then we tried to talk about that with my son, that there is this issue, it was like: alright, that’s okay, how is this making you feel? Do you, are you bothered or are you not bothered and [participant’s child’s name] he said he wasnt bothered, which didnt help his case [laughs] but he said it, to be a people pleaser and I know that and the guy should have asked the deeper question. He should have carried on and he didnt and it annoys me cause I know which questions to ask to get the answers and I know how to do it. And I did suggest a few different ways of doing that, because [participant’s child’s name] finds verbalising, you know, saying the words hurts him. Does that make sense?

Mmm So the same, he I, Ive done tick boxes for him in the past. Ive put, you know: Puberty’s coming. These are the things that are gonna happen, which ones do you want And he ticks all the boy ones and then the girls ones and he scribbles them out, really strongly, you know. But it hurts him to say the word boobs when it’s referred to him. Does that make sense?

So he cant verbalise it, especially to somebody he doesnt know very well. So to expect him to do that is difficult.

There was a counsellor that came in. It’s and it did help him a lot, cause it was at the time when everything was really, really bad with his dad. And he was refusing to go and see him and having lots of meltdowns and he was frequently very upset and, and kind of traumatised by it, by what’s the name, I don’t know how to word it. Anyway, yeah, he needed it right then and, because it was in school it meant that it wasnt hugely disruptive to his day and he got to know the person really well and it was weekly and he saw her about the school and said hello to her and the familiarity built up really, really quickly, enabling him to speak to her openly very quickly. So it helped him really like lots and very quickly as well.

The night he came out and asked us to call him a different name, we discussed exactly what he wanted to happen. And in which order and all that kind of stuff. Well we kind of went through a list of all the things that we would need to do and people we need to contact or whatever. And we just literally did everything in the order that he wanted to do it. And at this point Id done no research whatsoever. I didnt know if I was doing the right thing or not. I just thought, I need to listen to him. I havent done for such a long time. Ive been letting him down, so I’m gonna do this how he wants within reason obviously we needed to do it safely and all that sort of stuff. So, I said to him, okay, well talk to the teachers tomorrow morning and well sort that as much as we can. But these things will take time and luckily it didnt take any time by the end of day that they called, called him his new name and that was brilliant. And then I said, when you know, you go and tell your dad and things like that. And then when we got to the doctors that he said, can we book it tomorrow. So, my list for the next day was to tell school and ring the doctors. And book an appointment.

We had a yeah, we, we had our first appointment which was a complete disappointment. It was, we were gutted when we came out of there. I’m not totally sure what I expected, even though I joined the support group. Lots of people talk about their appointments at GIDS and things like that and discuss what’s said and whether they think that’s right or wrong and all that kind of thing. So I think I thought it would be a bit of a getting to know you session. I think I thought that they would ask what youve asked, you know, what’s your journey so far. And that theyd be interested I guess. But our first appointment really wasnt like that at all. And we came out feeling like one of the people that we saw particularly just didnt believe us, basically. They didnt ask anything about any history, family history our son’s journey, or anything. He wanted [participant’s child’s name] to speak which I thought was crazy given that there were two clinicians there that he didnt know, plus me and my husband and my ex husband was also in the room and I had made it perfectly clear that I would not be able to speak freely in front of my ex husband. And obviously my ex husband and my new husband are not friends. So, to make us be in it—I asked for a split appointment so that we didnt have to speak all together. I didnt think my ex would speak freely either. And I knew [participant’s child’s name] wouldn’t speak freely in front of my ex, because at the time things were very fraught between them. So, Id asked if we could have a split appointment so that everybody could speak. And they didnt do that. And tried to make us all speak in front of each other which I knew wouldn’t work. It was a complete waste of time. We drove for an hour to the appointment spent an hour sat there talking about stuff that was really very irrelevant, nothing to do with my son. I mean they asked us what we expected from the service, but I did think that that was a really silly question, because we waited nine months [laughs] for a gender clinic. I mean, what do you expect from heart surgery [laughs] you know. Just seemed really stupid. So I just, apparently that’s a very common question. I just thought it was really patronising and ridiculous. So yeah, we came out really disappointed and after a couple of months of umming and arring and talking to various different people including a couple of social workers who were in the family and stuff. They said that that particular practitioner sounded really incompetent. He kept sort of writing notes and then putting his clip board to his chest and sucking his teeth and sort of being really negative about whatever it was wed said. I mean I cant remember the conversation exactly, but it was just, he was just so disbelieving and patronising so yeah, we changed the clinician in the end. I tried not to get him into trouble as such. We didnt exactly, we didnt lodge a complaint. But we said that we felt he was unprofessional and wasnt listening to us. But the other clinician that was there, [participant’s child’s name] really wanted to. So we said that it, we were happy to stick with him completely, because it’s important that [participant’s child’s name] can speak to whoever he’s speaking to. And we felt like he would speak to him.

And the new person that we have is also lovely, but I will say, I think weve been for probably, think about this, over four years I think weve had appointments three monthly or something like that. I think weve had like six, yeah six appointments now over four years. Which isnt, I don’t think that’s enough for them to get to know somebody, especially a child whose gonna reluctantly talk about something so private and embarrassing potentially. They need to build a rapport and they need to see them more often, I think. Anyway, she’s lovely, but they still havent asked us what the journey is. I know a lot of people get these questionnaires and stuff and they find them really daunting and theyre a real pain in the bum. We havent had one. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I feel like they don’t know anything about [participant’s child’s name], so how can they make an assessment. Does that make sense?

I have almost no question whatsoever in my head that [participant’s child’s name] is, he is trans. But if they don’t see that then I’m, I don’t know what to do. I’m really nervous that theyre not researching him enough. Does that make sense?

Do you have an opportunity to discuss this with the people who are in charge of that treatment of these meetings with your son?

Kind of. I mean, I guess I could just randomly bring it all up and, and say, but I don’t feel, I don’t know, I mean, obviously their questions are still important to read, to talk about what they ask as well and I don’t wanna just take over the appointment. But I, theyre nice enough for me to be able to say that and I should say that. I think it’s got to the stage where I was thinking that at six appointments. I, we would have some sort of feedback in some way or another, even if it was, he’s too young to diagnose right now But there was nothing so on my next appointment I maybe would. But again, even in that way with the communication, because our appointments are now split, because after the marker of the first appointment I rang them, and I did say these appointments must be separate. It cannot work any other way. You know, we all have to take time off work and it’s not you know, it needs to be worth it for a decent appointment time. Just going for half each wouldn’t be enough. So what we do is we alternate. So me and my husband go one time and then my ex husband will take [participant’s child’s name] our son the next time. Which actually means that Ive only been to three appointments. But the next appointment is due I think this month if not next month. But we havent had a letter or an appointment date or anything. And there’s no communication in between times or anything. Weve had some summary letters. But [participant’s child’s name]’s, our son’s expressed that he feels like what he says isnt confidential. And it all gets written down and we all find it all out, which obviously is kind of the point. But he needs to feel obviously like he can speak freer. So we agreed to not do the summaries any more so that he could speak without us all finding out exactly what’s been said. But it’s meant that weve got no appointment date sent through, so I need to ring them and try and get through [laughs]. So I feel a little bit like we get left at sea. We had absolutely no leaflets from them for Mermaids or Family Days or anything. And I know they run those. Not that we should get to them, but it’s not the point. It’s if youve got, if we had some sort of support. We have no email addresses for the practitioners. We have no phone numbers other than the main office and you just have to leave a message and hope somebody gets back to you. There’s no way of communicating if you have a question or if something crops up if there’s a big problem. You know, if [participant’s child’s name] suddenly started self harming or something, I would want to be telling them straight away that we need to up the appointments, because obviously he needs to talk more. Do you know what I mean?

It was with our local GP. I just trying to remember, I think I may have had a first appointment, actually, I don’t think I needed a double appointment the first time, actually. But you cant pre book for a long time. It takes a while. So, we still had to wait maybe a week, thinking about it for that appointment. And then we discussed it with him he came with us, we went together cause he wanted to do the talking. He was so excited to start the journey. I did keep expressing that these things take a lot of time. There’s a lot of waiting and all this sort of stuff. But he was very excited to tell everybody. He wanted everybody to know who he was. And we went down and had a little appointment just me and him with our the GP that we prefer at the doctors, cause there’s one that is particularly lovely. And we just sort of said, what it was, we just said, hed be, he’s preferred to be called this now and were not really sure where we go from here. However, I had, that evening, when he came out, I had gone on Facebook and just researched the hell out of the transgender support sites. So Id already joined a support page and did know that I needed a referral to [Gender Identity Development Service]. And that if the GP was non-compliant, I need to contact Mermaids. So I did know that. But he was completely fine and said, Yeah, no problem at all. I am, I havent got a great deal of experience in this, but I do have one other trans patient. I think theyre grown up. He didnt, he alluded and since a little bit with when we discussed hormones and stuff. So I don’t think he knew about the children’s services. So he said, I need to research it, but I think that’s what we need to do.

He asked me what they were because I don’t think his friend knew exactly because he’s also quite young. He, they just knew that they could get them young and it was something that, that they needed in order to not develop. He just didnt know exactly. Does that make sense? So, he asked me what they were and he looked, he was quite upset at the time about it and asked if he could go on them and I said, well, right now, there isnt any point, because there’s nothing to block, cause there wasnt. And essentially, at the moment there still isnt. So I, but I did say that that was kind of part of the reason we went to [Gender identity Development Services] so early was so that that could happen if he needed it.

There’s a couple of really, really good documentaries as well that I watched very early on, which really helped me to understand, not that I needed to accept, but I did need to understand what [participant’s child’s name] was going through to help him. One of them was the National Geographic which happened to come out in the January after he came out. So there were two magazines and then the company programme that Katy Corrick did and I think it was called, The Gender Revolution. So the magazines and the programme combined were really informative. There’s loads of information and detail in there about the spectrum. Different countries having different things. And it really made me realise that it’s both, is it a, are we called, Westerners, we are arent we. Our idea of gender is very different to most of the rest of the world. And that was a bit of a revolution to me, cause I was like, oh, oppression, I get it, you know [laughs]. I didn’t really understand before. I’m one of those people that doesnt really watch the news and I’m not really up on current affairs. It just confuses me and upsets me, so I just kind of ignore it. Which has meant that Ive not really, it’s passed me by this kind of stuff until now.

So those programmes and those magazines were fantastic. And I always think things that you can hold and read and look back on are really useful. The magazines were great, cause, you know, Ive still got them. And it means that I can show them to other people and say, have a quick look at this, if you’re not getting it. If I’m not explaining it right just have a quick look and see if this helps. But it was written really well, it wasnt all, it wasnt jargoned, you know. I’m not a jargony person. I don’t understand jargon. So, I found that very useful. There was also, I think there was a programme Louis Theroux did, and I think he was in America, and it was very balanced.

As soon as they know that there’s a a different name or whatever to maybe what’s on the records, cause obviously that’s what confuses a lot of people or if you go in for an infection that is in a body part that maybe that person doesnt look like they should have, play it down. don’t be all confused. Just play it down and be like, oka and then just write a little note so that anybody else who sees those notes understands so we don’t have to have confusion with every different person along the chain.