The Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS)

I’m aware that not everyone has had as positive experiences we have as a family. The two people that we see regularly have been amazingly supportive and understanding and informative and we feel really grateful that we have had the opportunity to speak to people that were so understanding and empathic to our family in the individuals and as a collective.

How was that first meeting? You mentioned that was the first time you remember?

Yeah, so, it was, it was the first time that I’d really sat down with my ex-wife and daughter in that, in a situation like that where we were talking about us as a family and as a marriage breaking up and our daughter and how that might have affected her. I hadn’t really had a formal conversation like that before. And then for future meetings, our daughter would be in the meeting with us for half of it and then a second half or the first half with one of the people that we would speak to, so she could do a time-line on her experiences and talk about things which she might find embarrassing talking about in front of me or her mum or both of us and able to talk perhaps more openly without us being there for the whole meeting. And it also gave me and her mum the opportunity to talk and listen to each other’s perspective and view on what happened and what we think is happening and what we may expect to happen in the future.

So that wait was really difficult and then we went and the first appointment, first little bit they were really helpful, because they kind of they, they asked her what name and pronouns she wanted, which, you know, we hadnt, that hadn’t really even crossed our mind to do that. And so they were the, probably the first people to start using it, apart from her friends, but you know, the first adults anyway. But as time went on, yeah and she, she very quickly had a, you know, that they made a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and, and so on. And we had several sessions where we were with one practitioner and she was with another practitioner. But as time went on, the sessions just started to distress her more and more. And it was, it was really clear that she wasnt really, her way of dealing with that in the first instance was she sort of kind of withdrew herself from it a bit really. And we started to have concerns as well, because it was really, we couldnt really understand what they were doing. So the first bit was really clear. Nobody actually told us, but it was pretty clear that what was happening was that she, that they were gonna make a diagnosis and say, you know, whether she. But once they had done that and the sessions just kept going and kept going and kept going, we couldnt understand what they were doing. We thought they were doing therapy, but then they actually said, oh no, this isnt therapy, but it wasnt really an assessment either.

We had a yeah, we, we had our first appointment which was a complete disappointment. It was, we were gutted when we came out of there. I’m not totally sure what I expected, even though I joined the support group. Lots of people talk about their appointments at GIDS and things like that and discuss what’s said and whether they think that’s right or wrong and all that kind of thing. So I think I thought it would be a bit of a getting to know you session. I think I thought that they would ask what youve asked, you know, what’s your journey so far. And that theyd be interested I guess. But our first appointment really wasnt like that at all. And we came out feeling like one of the people that we saw particularly just didnt believe us, basically. They didnt ask anything about any history, family history our son’s journey, or anything. He wanted [participant’s child’s name] to speak which I thought was crazy given that there were two clinicians there that he didnt know, plus me and my husband and my ex husband was also in the room and I had made it perfectly clear that I would not be able to speak freely in front of my ex husband. And obviously my ex husband and my new husband are not friends. So, to make us be in it—I asked for a split appointment so that we didnt have to speak all together. I didnt think my ex would speak freely either. And I knew [participant’s child’s name] wouldn’t speak freely in front of my ex, because at the time things were very fraught between them. So, Id asked if we could have a split appointment so that everybody could speak. And they didnt do that. And tried to make us all speak in front of each other which I knew wouldn’t work. It was a complete waste of time. We drove for an hour to the appointment spent an hour sat there talking about stuff that was really very irrelevant, nothing to do with my son. I mean they asked us what we expected from the service, but I did think that that was a really silly question, because we waited nine months [laughs] for a gender clinic. I mean, what do you expect from heart surgery [laughs] you know. Just seemed really stupid. So I just, apparently that’s a very common question. I just thought it was really patronising and ridiculous. So yeah, we came out really disappointed and after a couple of months of umming and arring and talking to various different people including a couple of social workers who were in the family and stuff. They said that that particular practitioner sounded really incompetent. He kept sort of writing notes and then putting his clip board to his chest and sucking his teeth and sort of being really negative about whatever it was wed said. I mean I cant remember the conversation exactly, but it was just, he was just so disbelieving and patronising so yeah, we changed the clinician in the end. I tried not to get him into trouble as such. We didnt exactly, we didnt lodge a complaint. But we said that we felt he was unprofessional and wasnt listening to us. But the other clinician that was there, [participant’s child’s name] really wanted to. So we said that it, we were happy to stick with him completely, because it’s important that [participant’s child’s name] can speak to whoever he’s speaking to. And we felt like he would speak to him.

And the new person that we have is also lovely, but I will say, I think weve been for probably, think about this, over four years I think weve had appointments three monthly or something like that. I think weve had like six, yeah six appointments now over four years. Which isnt, I don’t think that’s enough for them to get to know somebody, especially a child whose gonna reluctantly talk about something so private and embarrassing potentially. They need to build a rapport and they need to see them more often, I think. Anyway, she’s lovely, but they still havent asked us what the journey is. I know a lot of people get these questionnaires and stuff and they find them really daunting and theyre a real pain in the bum. We havent had one. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I feel like they don’t know anything about [participant’s child’s name], so how can they make an assessment. Does that make sense?

I would say that the therapist was very good about getting her to come to terms with herself and how her appearance would, would be. That, you know, there wasnt going to be a magic wand. But on the other hand, it was very slow and it was very frustrating for her, because there was a degree of hesitation taking seriously how she felt, I had the same reservations, I didnt know whether it was going to be this how she feels just now, is she going to be certain about things. And, she keeps things, she’s always kept things very bottled up. So, I’m never very sure just how strongly she feels about something and really up until that point she had been talking to me. So Id had a fair idea of how strongly, strongly she felt about things. But, I know she didnt convey that to the therapist, and it’s only because I had that personal knowledge of it, obviously it’s my daughter. And it, [sighs] yeah. So, I did have the opportunity to email into the therapist and say that, you know, she does feel strongly about this. And, you know, she’s desperate about this and, you know, what are the options? Is there any way to move on quicker?

Yeah, that was very much with the therapist that she had to, in that small window she had to make, you know, any concerns that she had, she had to bring up there and then. She had to restate and state again how she felt and what she wanted to go and where she wanted to be. And any expression that she had of doubt would then have to be examined again and gone over again and shed have—it was almost like you go forward two steps and back one and then forward two steps and back one each time with each session. I can understand that with, yeah, psychologists want to make sure that everything was sorted out as far as possible. But it’s very difficult for a young person who sees time slipping away rapidly to come into a session and get through everything and take on board the help that’s given and, and also try and push forward for what they want. So, it’s frustrating.

So we did keep finding different teams each time. Various people would leave the service. So wed have another fresh team and wed cover the same ground. It was almost like they were treading water, which in hindsight is possibly because the blockers were refused and [GIDS] other than give you blockers cant really do a lot. They cant issue you testosterone until you’re over 18 which is beyond their remit, because they only take until 16, 17 years old. So it did feel like I say a waste of time, but we didnt really gain anything. I would take a day off work. [Name of participant’s child] would take a day off work. We travel up to north [name of city] with cost of travel and wed sit and talk about stuff that we talked about six weeks ago to a different individual. We kept getting different teams. May have been just our situation was unfortunate. Wed one team where two of the three people in our team fell pregnant at the same time. And both left the services for their maternity leave. So then we got another team. We went right back to the very beginning and started covering all the ground that we felt wed already covered. They were, their follow up notes passed on, but each one of them wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth. So we would just cover the same things over and over and over, which my child got quite disillusioned with [GIDS]. Initially, were looking forward to appointments, because they were being listened to and taken seriously. But then towards the end it was kind of well, were not gonna get anything. Were just gonna go and sit and chat in a room for twenty minutes and we both gotta take a day off work. Weve both gotta lose money earnings and weve gotta pay out money for travel. We go all the way up there. The highlight was going into Subway and having a sandwich afterwards was kind of the big benefit was oh well were in [name of city] so well got to a museum and well do something after the appointment. The appointments didnt really gain much.

I mean, it costs a lot of money. No-one’s ever considered or it doesn’t feel like no-one’s considered, if I have to take a day off work, once a month and then I have to a hospital in [name of city] and back and essentially it’s gonna cost me a couple of hundred pounds every time I do it. My work said, no, they wouldn’t pay for that. They wouldn’t pay, they wouldn’t give me a day off. I have to take that as a holiday. That reduces my holiday time. And actually, I’ve tried to work after going to [name of city], but by the time I’ve actually gone to [name of city] and come back and it’s actually more emotional than I am expecting, generally, because it’s, as I say, they make it quite enjoyable and it’s really nice as an experience going to the [GIDS]. But actually, psychologically, I think it’s quite draining.

Why is it draining?

Because I feel quite different to a day when I am not doing that. To describe it is probably quite hard because it’s, it’s a kind of subconscious tiredness. A lot of sort of searching sort of through my own emotions and searching through how I discuss something which I don’t discuss very often when we go to [GIDS] and possibly conversations here or there in between. My daughter doesn’t really want to talk about it much because the conversations have happened from her perspective. She’s just being as patient as possible before she has the blockers.

I mean, it’s been fairly mixed, I think. One thing I know they really struggle with, the fact that they have to travel to [city]. it’s a huge effort they, my husband has to come from here and pick them up, where they live, in [name of a county] and then they all have to go on masse to [name of city]. It means missing school. Then often really early in the morning, it’s a lot of money for them all to go. You know, they have to find a lot of money for it in petrol and food and so on and so forth.

I think they feel that the overall experience has been a positive one and that she has been heard.

I know that they recently there was, they had an appointment with someone who was trying to explain to her what happens in terms of if she does decide to have surgery. You know, what happens, you know. And, but they were very course about it. And I know my husband he was really quite upset about that. And, she didn’t like it either. But normally I think the people that they deal with, they’ve been dealing with the same people, which really helps. Someone who knows the journey and someone that you build a rapport with over a period of time. So that’s been really, really good for them. Yeah, the sister’s gone as I said and grandma has gone as well. Just trying to think. Yeah, I mean, it’s, so far so good. They’ve not come back and said, It was terrible and blah, blah, blah. I feel that they feel that they’re understood when, when he comes back and talks to me about it. And, you know, she was able to come back and really explain to me, cos I asked her you had the appointment and what does it mean, hormone blockers?’ And she just explained it to me. She doesn’t talk about it all the time. But, you know, it’s strange I think when they’re going through what she goes through. People often have questions and then you’re really private personal stuff is just open for debate. And I don’t think any child really wants to talk about. I remember, when I was a kid, I started my period when I was ten. I was mortified. I had breasts and pubic hair when I was at junior school. I was just like, mmm. It was horrible. And I never wanted to talk about it. And I never wanted anyone to know and so, although they’re not the same, it’s still like a focus on you that don’t really wanna have on you, but it’s necessary. it’s necessary, I think.

I have almost no question whatsoever in my head that [participant’s child’s name] is, he is trans. But if they don’t see that then I’m, I don’t know what to do. I’m really nervous that theyre not researching him enough. Does that make sense?

Do you have an opportunity to discuss this with the people who are in charge of that treatment of these meetings with your son?

Kind of. I mean, I guess I could just randomly bring it all up and, and say, but I don’t feel, I don’t know, I mean, obviously their questions are still important to read, to talk about what they ask as well and I don’t wanna just take over the appointment. But I, theyre nice enough for me to be able to say that and I should say that. I think it’s got to the stage where I was thinking that at six appointments. I, we would have some sort of feedback in some way or another, even if it was, he’s too young to diagnose right now But there was nothing so on my next appointment I maybe would. But again, even in that way with the communication, because our appointments are now split, because after the marker of the first appointment I rang them, and I did say these appointments must be separate. It cannot work any other way. You know, we all have to take time off work and it’s not you know, it needs to be worth it for a decent appointment time. Just going for half each wouldn’t be enough. So what we do is we alternate. So me and my husband go one time and then my ex husband will take [participant’s child’s name] our son the next time. Which actually means that Ive only been to three appointments. But the next appointment is due I think this month if not next month. But we havent had a letter or an appointment date or anything. And there’s no communication in between times or anything. Weve had some summary letters. But [participant’s child’s name]’s, our son’s expressed that he feels like what he says isnt confidential. And it all gets written down and we all find it all out, which obviously is kind of the point. But he needs to feel obviously like he can speak freer. So we agreed to not do the summaries any more so that he could speak without us all finding out exactly what’s been said. But it’s meant that weve got no appointment date sent through, so I need to ring them and try and get through [laughs]. So I feel a little bit like we get left at sea. We had absolutely no leaflets from them for Mermaids or Family Days or anything. And I know they run those. Not that we should get to them, but it’s not the point. It’s if youve got, if we had some sort of support. We have no email addresses for the practitioners. We have no phone numbers other than the main office and you just have to leave a message and hope somebody gets back to you. There’s no way of communicating if you have a question or if something crops up if there’s a big problem. You know, if [participant’s child’s name] suddenly started self harming or something, I would want to be telling them straight away that we need to up the appointments, because obviously he needs to talk more. Do you know what I mean?