Parents and carers talk about supporting their trans and gender-diverse children's mental health and wellbeing

I don’t live with my child’s mother. We split up when my child was six months old, but have been a very hands on parent. Weve had a 50/50 split from the word go. Child spent time with both of us on a three, four day split. So hed spend three days with me and three days with mum and then four days with me, four days with mum, cause I didnt wanna end up being a weekend dad and just picking him up at the weekend. I was involved in school, in nursery, the same as mum. We literally had 50/50 over 14 days wed get seven days each. And it kind of changed the weekend thing. So, it could be Thursday, Friday, Saturday that Id have the child and then the child would be Sunday, Monday, Tuesday with mum, so it kept everything, Christmases, everything were always jumbled up. So wed literally have a 50/50 share. Mum was always absolutely anti transition from the word go, will not use, even to this day, well not use correct pronouns. Wont even accept the Deed Poll changed name. So, there’s always been a bit of a clash where I just accepted the transition completely and utterly and was 100% supportive where mum, still to this day, still doesnt accept the transition even though were quite a long way through the journey now. But still wont accept it. There’s always been a lot of friction between my child and my child’s mother, where me and my child have always got on brilliantly. And Ive got a very, very good, strong open relationship and talk about everything where with mum it’s very polar. It’s completely different. The transition began when they were at secondary school. There was a lot of bullying from other students at school. A lot of isolation and that ended up with a suicide attempt and at that point, social services became involved and I was then granted 100% custody, cause it was deemed they were unsafe with mother, because mother was actually causing a lot of the arguments or not helping and not supporting. So they were deemed that they should be with me full time, which they did for about a year. Then the transition moved on a lot. At that point, both of us were attending CAMHS with our child, but separately. So we didnt go to the meetings as a family unit, because we werent a family unit we were two individual parents with a child in common. So we did both attend CAMHS at various times and we were eventually referred on to the [GIDS], where initially I wasnt allowed to go and only mum went. And mum being absolutely anti transition made every or all the very early [Gender Identity Development Service] appointments about her. So it wasnt directed at our child and our child got no benefit from it at all. There was just lots of arguments between mum and the specialist and therapists at the [Gender Identity Development Service], which didnt work very well for our child. Our child didnt feel was getting attention or moving forward or anything. Then after the suicide attempt, I started going solely to the [Gender Identity Development Service] and we progressed quite, quite well. We Deed Polled. At that point, theyd just left school, secondary school passed with some GCSEs. Not quite the grades that were expected. But a lot of that was sadly down to the school who didnt deal with the bullying issues, put my child in the isolation block. So my child didnt attend lessons, they just went to school and done their own thing in the library, which meant they got, they passed GCSEs which I’m really proud of, but didnt get the grades that the school were expecting. And it also put them off education. So although theyd been offered a college place, they decided they didnt wanna go to college, cause theyd lost faith in the education system, had just assumed they would get bullied. Although I assured them college is very different to school and certainly being trans, youd probably be really popular at college, because it’s cool and kind of fashionable and youll probably be fine, and it’s a totally different experience. But theyd been put off completely. So ended up leaving school with some GCSEs and just getting employed, which they have always been employed, well not always been employed, but theyve had periods of employment, periods of unemployment. A lot of that was down to mental health, because their mental health declined quite badly. They had low self-esteem and low confidence. And found friction at work. If there was any sign of bullying they would fold their cards and leave their job rather than deal with the bullying, because theyd been bullied at school they decided they wouldn’t get bullied any more, but left the job rather than going to an employer and dealing with it and getting it sorted out would just jack in the job and leave, which was okay and as I say was supportive of the whole thing and because of the trying to build their self-confidence and self-esteem, it’s kind of youve have actually got mental health issues that need focusing on and you need help with and you will be okay. You will get through it with help and with time.

I mean it’s a huge amount for someone to take on at such a young age. I mean, it just, when people used to say things to me, Well, it’s just a phase. How could you, how could you let them do this, that and the other wha, wha, wha. I said, Do you think any child would choose to go through this? Do you genuinely. We’ve all been through it. Do you think that you would choose. We all, at that age just kind of wanna fit in and be accepted and belong. You don’t, you would never choose to do something just so difficult, so life changing, to everything and everyone. But I think, yeah, just managing that anxiety was tough for her and for us to continue to be supported. And I feel that we all, as much as we could just held, held her and held her sister and just held the space as best as we could and give her, because sometimes she would be prone to outbreaks where she would just sort of scream. She would scream or she’d roar or she would burst into tears and, which was understandable, and be moody. She was just carrying like all this stuff [softly]. And I heard her not knowing how to express it, you know, at that time. But, on the whole, we didn’t, there was no sort of self-harming. No depression as such. No panic attacks. Nothing else. No other sort of major symptoms that I keep hearing time and time and time again. And no other like mental health diagnosis that says she’s not being diagnosed with autism of any kind or any sort of personality disorders of any kind.

At the moment she’s, at the moment she’s okay. But I do feel like she could be susceptible to a deterioration in mental health, because she’s quite, she’s quite sensitive. I don’t know what will happen if and when puberty starts happening. I know that she is, as she’s getting older, because she’s just becoming more aware of everything. And I think the more aware she is of her peers and how theyre developing. She’s always felt a little bit different anyway. She’s always felt like she didnt fit in with the boys and she didnt fit in with the girls. And now that she’s a trans girl, she doesnt, I think that she has got a fear that she’s not quite like all the other girls and that she wants to fit in with them. And she just wants to be normal and just do all the things that all her peers are doing. And I can see as well that she’s noticing that other girls are developing in a different way, because they get, theyre shooting up. Theyre getting, developing breasts and all those things that go along [with] it. I think she’s just, things becoming a little bit more acute for her and she’s not distressed as yet, but I think there’s a potential there. So I am just keeping an eye on her really and making sure that she’s okay and if anything happens where I think her mental health is deteriorating then I would be quick to try and sort it out in whatever way I could. So I don’t know what that would be if we hadnt reached the point where we were in GIDS then maybe I would go to CAMHS, maybe. You know, there’s always these options available. So, I, I’m just waiting to see what will happen and just keeping an eye on, on how she is. Just answering all her questions and making sure she knows that were there to support her.

And then we tried to talk about that with my son, that there is this issue, it was like: alright, that’s okay, how is this making you feel? Do you, are you bothered or are you not bothered and [participant’s child’s name] he said he wasnt bothered, which didnt help his case [laughs] but he said it, to be a people pleaser and I know that and the guy should have asked the deeper question. He should have carried on and he didnt and it annoys me cause I know which questions to ask to get the answers and I know how to do it. And I did suggest a few different ways of doing that, because [participant’s child’s name] finds verbalising, you know, saying the words hurts him. Does that make sense?

Mmm So the same, he I, Ive done tick boxes for him in the past. Ive put, you know: Puberty’s coming. These are the things that are gonna happen, which ones do you want And he ticks all the boy ones and then the girls ones and he scribbles them out, really strongly, you know. But it hurts him to say the word boobs when it’s referred to him. Does that make sense?

So he cant verbalise it, especially to somebody he doesnt know very well. So to expect him to do that is difficult.

How has her mental health been since she started on that journey?

It’s much better. It’s gradually improved and I havent had any self-harm. I know, she hasnt been self-harming for [sighs] it’s probably a good year. And even then, it’s, (it had) slowed down, considerably. She was having terrible panic attacks and but she got herself back on course when she went to sixth form college. And her academic side really picked up. And she really seemed to be starting to pull herself together. And she got the confidence to come out completely, socially. And she’s so much more positive about herself. She’s still, you know, the dysphoria is still there. She still gets angry. And she’s a typical teenager, she’s really grumpy [laughs]. But, yeah, she’s becoming more, she’s, there’s fewer panic attacks. She’s less anxious about things. She’s prepared to go out and meet people. She’s prepared to go out as herself. And, I mean, she flew off to [name of country] to see one of her friends and they were going out together as themselves. She’s just blossomed, absolutely. I could still throttle her sometimes, but it’s like a normal, you know, teenager. And it’s so much better. I’m not worrying that the police are gonna come to my door and say that she’s gone, anymore. So it’s much better.

We had to inform the school, because things were getting a little bit tricky with regards to PE and, and changing rooms and sports, cos it’s a typical school where boys play football and rugby and girls played hockey and netball. So and the school, in fairness got on board with it and were very supportive and just said, whatever our daughter wanted to do then that was absolutely fine by them. They just still wanted her to continue with her schooling and they would make it so sport was completely out. She didn’t have to attend any sport.