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Coming out as trans or gender-diverse

The term 'coming out' often refers to lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) people disclosing their sexual orientation. For trans or gender diverse people, coming out describes the act of disclosing a person's trans status or gender identity to another person. There is no one standard story or way of coming out as trans or gender diverse. Coming out to parents as a young person, who lives away from home, may be different to having conversations about gender identity as a younger child.
Parents and carers we spoke to shared stories of their children coming out to them, but some also spoke about other ways of learning about their child's gender identity.
In this section, you can read more about their different experiences. Some of the things parents talked about:
  • The way they came to learn about their child's gender identity;
  • How they felt when their child came out to them;
  • Telling their partner or ex-partner about their child's gender identity.

Parents learning about their child's gender identity

For some parents of older children it was common to have their child come out to them as trans, either in a conversation, or by text.

Georgina talked about her son’s wanting to be called by a boy’s name outside of the home and how she felt that was the day he came out.

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He wanted us to call him a boy’s name and he asked if we could get it to be changed at the register at school and things like that. Now, that bit was new for us, because he had mentioned a few things before, it’s always been the same name. But it kind of got forgotten about in a kid way. You know, we didnt think much of it. We thought he was mucking around and playing. Even though he obviously presented as male and by this point he had his hair cut, Id cut his hair earlier that year Id finally got it short and realised that it was my husband that was stopping the haircut and not me. Anyway, so he, the fact that he was wanted it outside of the home was the new thing. So I consider that to be his coming out day. Because that was when he, wanted to present to the world as somebody was who he was. And something that I noticed straight away about that was when I very much felt like Id put my little girl to bed and I came downstairs and I said, I feel like Ive just put her to bed and he’s gonna wake up in the morning. And it was really strange, really, really, really strange feeling. Probably a little bit like when you go for a caesarean section you know you’re gonna have a baby the next day. Must be really odd. But yeah, he, he responded to that name straight away whenever we said it. Whereas his old name it used to take us quite a while to get his attention [laughs]. We realise it was, it was never his name was it, you know? So that was kind of like a bit of a heartbreaking realisation.

For parents of younger children, the process was often different and included conversations about things such as names, appearance and the body.
For example, one parent talked about her son wanting to be called by a boy's name outside of the home when he was 7 years old. She considered that as his 'coming out day'. Another parent described how she accidentally discovered that her child was looking at images of male bodies on the internet. This led to a conversation about how the child felt about their own body and the mismatch they felt between their 'inside and outside.' One mother said about her child that they have had 'trouble with their gender identity' since they were 4 years old. She said: 'They've kind of said, on and off that they don't identify with the gender that they were assigned at birth, They've said this to me. They've said this to their dad and they've said this to teachers at school, across the years, right going back to when they were four.'

There was no clear moment of coming out as trans for Ross’s child, but they first explored gender issues in CAMHS appointments.

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It wasnt even as black and white as that. They didnt actually, it wasnt a specific time when they came out. They just started having issues I guess really the turning point really was the bullying at school, which was because of the isolation at school, because they didnt fit into their kind of gender group. They werent a boy, so they didnt hang with the boys. But they didnt feel they were a girl, so they didnt have a lot of friends at all. They only really had one friend at school who it turns out now has come out as a lesbian, as a gay female who could maybe relate to my child as a trans child. But I don’t think they even discussed whether they were gay or trans. I don’t think it ever came up in conversation. And certainly the coming out thing wasnt a big announcement, I’m coming out, it was a gradual thing which kind of started really with the CAMHS appointments, which started mainly because of the friction between mum and child. Mum looked for help via CAMHS and CAMHS couldnt put a finger on it, initially. We, certainly the first interview I went to, the therapist there one week said, my child was PTSD. The next time we went they were bipolar. The next time they went they were autistic. They were, it was kind of they were, pigeon holed, but they couldnt find the right hole. And it wasnt until my child was saying about gender issues that gender even came up. That was probably the first time I ever was aware of anything gender related at all. They brought it up at a CAMHS appointment. And eventually, CAMHS referred us onto the [Gender Identity Development Services]. And at that point, it was like the flood gates opened. Suddenly, my child knew where they were and could relate to the therapists and suddenly said, Finally, somebody’s taken me seriously. Somebody seems to understand. And so it was like the flood gates, flood gates had opened. And everything then started to fall into place.

Teresa said she thought her daughter might come out as gay. She felt that her daughter coming out as trans was a bit of a bolt from the blue.

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Our daughter initially came out as being transgender at the age 13. And I suspect prior to that I think as a mum, I, and she’s the youngest. So I think I always thought that she was slightly different to the others, purely by, you know, mannerisms and friendship groups and things like that. And I know I suppose that this maybe a little bit of a cliché, but I would have thought, at some point she would have said she was gay. However, it was transgender, which was a completely different ball game and I hadn’t really had any knowledge about it to be quite truthful I mean, I was aware that there were transgender children and people out there, but I wasn’t really. So it, it did come as a bit of a bolt from the blue, I have to say.

Even for older children, coming out was often more of a process than a one off event. For example, Ross said about his child's experience: 'it wasnt a specific time when they came out. They just started having issues.' Ross felt that being able to identify gender issues allowed his child to move forward in their journey. He said that when his child was able to talk about gender issues with their therapist, it was like 'flood gates had opened. And everything then started to fall into place.'

Kate said the changes in how her son wanted to present to the world made her and her husband expect his coming out.

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He had really long hair, which everybody would always go, Oh, you’ve got amazing, beautiful, beautiful hair. And he started to just look more and more uncomfortable. So, I was saying, you know, Why don’t you have your hair cut?’ And he was reluctant and so I just, I just left that, but we went on holiday and I didn’t really notice it on holiday, but when we came back and we were looking at photos, he really did just look like he was so uncomfortable, all the time. So, we talked about it some more and a couple of years ago he did have his hair cut and it was, it was so long and so thick that we actually sent it off to one of the charities that make up wigs, cos it was, you know, it was such a big feature of him that, you know, everyone commented all the time. But once he had his hair cut, he kind of seemed lighter. But he also then started dressing a lot differently. So he’s never really been, not since he was tiny he had never really been fem-, particularly feminine. But then he wanted to start shopping in boys’ shops. And that was absolutely fine. And we just went along with that and we found a shop local to us, they never asked any questions. They didn’t mind what changing room he used. And he felt just really comfortable going there. So he hadn’t, before he told us, he hadn’t worn girl’s clothes for a good couple of years. But as he was starting to develop, which he did quite young, unfortunately. He was just more uncomfortable. So, we got into, you know, how he could kind of hide some of that as well. So, I think just the way he presented was really yeah it was really clear that it was gonna come. My husband and I remember probably about a year before he told us. I remember we were out for lunch and we were saying, you know, we just knew, at that point that it was coming. We just didn’t know when it was coming.

How parents felt when their child came out to them

Parents we spoke to described a range of feelings when their children came out to them. Some felt surprised, shocked and anxious, some spoke about feeling relieved, others talked about how they had been anticipating their child coming out as trans for a while. A couple spoke about how they could feel there was something going on before their child came out, but were not able to put their finger on it. One parent said: 'Probably from around the age of 15, 16 we were aware that there was something going on, but we didnt really understand, as parents what that was.' Some parents thought their child would come out as gay. Both Jan and Teresa said they were expecting that.

Ali felt relieved that her daughter could trust her enough to come out to her.

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I was just relieved that she felt she could trust me. I was concerned, because I couldnt really know where we would go and what, what kind of journey we would have. But it was good to know that what their concern was that at last we could address it rather than it always being an elephant in the room and I didnt even know there was an elephant there.

A couple of parents we spoke to said they had anticipated their child coming out as trans and were preparing for it. Lesley said that since her son's early childhood, she had been 'always anticipating it.' Kate said: 'For the last two or three years, we've expected that that's where we would end up but we've only known from him for the last ten months.' For Kate it was the way her son felt about his body and how he presented to the world that made her and her husband think he would come out as trans. Despite expecting her son to come out as trans, Kate still found it emotional when it happened. She said: 'I wasn't massively surprised, but I was still upset, And not because I wasn't prepared, but actually everything that you think might happen has happened.'

Georgina spoke about her son coming out to his dad in a letter and how she got an ‘earful’ from her ex-partner when he had read it.

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The doctor suggested that it would be an idea for my ex to know before the referral went, because he thought it would cause problems, otherwise. And my son, hadnt at that point told him but he was due to go for a weekend and so I said to him, why don’t you write a letter. Bear in mind wed had many meltdowns about this, cause I was very aware that when he picked him up from school he was gonna get called the new name by the teachers and the kids. And his dad was gonna hit the roof, basically. Understandably. So I suggested that he write a letter, get him to read it and it was on his, when he came was it before he went yeah, it was before he went. So we got the letter to him and he read it and I got that he received it like ten oclock at night. So he rang me and gave me an earful and I got the brunt of it. But my theory was that hed have got it out of his system and started to think about it and research a little bit by the time my son went for his weekend with him.

Some parents felt surprised, or even shocked to learn their child was trans. Valerie said: 'My daughter told us, four years ago now that she thought she was trans, but she was living away from home and so that did come as a completely out of the blue and a bit of a shock to us all.'
A few parents we spoke to had two children who identified as trans, and both times when their children came out to them it was a surprise. E said about their older child: 'He was a little bit of a tomboy, we would not have said anything like this was on the cards.' With the second child, E felt the surprise was even bigger. She said: 'We wouldn't have been at all surprised if he'd said, 'Actually I am gay' or something like that, But then, out of the blue, he suddenly said, 'I think I'm trans. And we just, kind of knocked us for six and thought, what?!? Again? A second one. Cannot believe this.'
Adele said her son was gender non-conforming as a child, but she still felt surprise and shock when he came out as trans. She said she was glad he came out to her via text message, because she 'kind of fell apart' when she learned about it. Adele said: 'I was kind of very upset and I was crying, I think from the shock of it as much as anything.'
A sense of relief was another feeling that came up when people talked about their children coming out. Ali was relieved that her daughter trusted her enough to share it with her. She said it was also good to know what the concern was for her daughter, whose mental health was suffering at the time. Knowing that her daughter was struggling with her gender identity allowed Ali to plan how to help her more effectively. Lesley also spoke about a sense of relief when her son came out, but also about how she felt that this wasn't 'going to be easy.'

Telling their partner or ex-partner about their child's gender identity

It was common for the young person to come out to one parent first. This meant that the parent who found out first would sometimes be involved in telling their partner or ex-partner about their child's gender identity. These situations could be stressful for the family.
For children whose parents were not together, there was the added difficulty of keeping everyone informed and on 'the same page.' This sometimes meant that some parents felt left out. Mel, a stepmother to a trans girl said: 'My husband and I were the last ones to know. So, we were way behind in terms of kind of getting to grips with what this was.'
Georgina talked about telling her son's dad and how she suggested her son come out to his dad in a letter. She put her ex-partner's angry reaction down to him feeling left out. She said: 'I think, he does really struggle with the trans status, but the main reason was because he was the last to know.'
Coming out can start a process of social transition.
Some people we spoke to shared experiences where their partner or ex-partner did not affirm their child's gender identity.
Find out more about how it was for parents to make sense of their child's gender identity.