Making sense of their child's gender identity

I had a chance to think about this, because yeah and I think the journey for me was kind of three really different stages. And what’s funny about it is that, if youd asked me at any of those stages if I was being supportive and if I was supportive of trans young people, I would have said, yes. But kind of looking back, I can see that because it’s changed over time sort of looking back at where I was in other stages, I can see that wasnt necessarily the case. So, the first stage when we learned that our daughter was trans we were very, very worried because her mental health was really poor so she was having a lot of suicidal thoughts and she was really depressed. And so we were really, really scared about that. And at that point, I was absolutely, one of my fears was that she wasnt really trans, that it was some sort of psychological thing that she was, it was a delusion. That wasnt really what was going on at all. And, at that point, I had a really kind of medicalised view of it, so I was desperate to get to the GIDS and get what at that time I would have called the diagnosis, because I was really, really worried that she thought she was trans, but she wasnt, if that makes sense. And then later on, when we got a bit further through, I was really, I believed that she was trans and there was sort of two things going on at once, so I was getting more informed and I was fighting a lot of battles for her and I was kind of making, I was doing everything I could to make sure that everything would be okay, so I was going into school and changing her name and having a fight with the bank and you know, all that kind of stuff. But then sort of alongside of that, I was really, really sad about it. I felt really, you know, I kept it secret from her at the time, but I was, I was really, really, I cried a lot and I was really terrified about what would happen to her in the future, you know, and I believed she was trans and I wished she wasnt. And not because I felt that it was a bad thing to be but because I thought it was, it was gonna be really difficult and her life was gonna be really difficult and I was really fearful about what would happen to her. And then sort of around that time, yeah, and I kind of, I kind of sort of believed that, you know, because she had gender dysphoria and she had a medical diagnosis, I was kind of well that proves that she is transgender. That was kinda where I was at that time. And I was also very concerned about things like oh, you know, she’s never gonna pass as a girl and that’s gonna be really difficult and that would be awful and you know, she’s gonna have a really sad, you know, so it was that kind of thing. But also around that time, I started to suspect that what was happening at the Gender Identity Service wasnt right and it wasnt helping her.

So was she already in the care?

By that point she was, yeah, yeah. Yeah and so that was quite difficult and I was, I was kind of reading around a lot and you know, finding out stuff. And then the point where I am now is that in all that kind of binary thinking about, you know, are you trans or are you not trans or do you pass or do you not pass. You know, all that kind of stuff’s really, it’s really fallen away. And I just, I just think now that being trans isnt, it’s not a good thing or a bad thing, it’s just a thing. I think it’s just a normal, completely normal variation in what human of how human beings can be. And so I just [sighs] she is really happy now. None of it seems like a big deal any more. It’s not really a topic that we, not really a topic that we think about. We don’t really talk about it. It’s not, it’s not really an important thing for us as a family at all. It’s just, it’s just a thing, she’s just who she is. And yeah, as I say. And then, I mean, the only, you know, it’s kind of like this whole thing about oh, somebody might change their mind. They might desis and all that kind of, you know, all those worries. I just think it’s just, life’s just a journey and you, you know, doing what you’re doing at any, any given time. So now, we just all feel really comfortable with it and it’s just not really a thing that, it’s not really a thing that we even think about any more, really [laughs].

Initially, when your child first tells you that they think they’re in the wrong gender, living in the wrong gender. it’s something that you don’t ever think is going to happen. So it’s a, it comes as a bit of a shock, bit of a surprise. And then you have to deal with everything that comes thereafter. You have to see your child change the way they live. Dress differently, hair, make-up, clothes and it just takes a bit of getting used to, really, as a parent.

But the haircut was also a huge, emotional thing for me. I didnt realise how, I don’t know, I wasnt attached to it, to his hair at all it was, it was weird. We went to a friend to do it and she knew that hed been asking for it to be short for a long time and wed gone for a little bob to start with and it went, when shed got the she got the clippers out to just trim round the bottom of his neckline and he was so excited. And I didnt click that that was, it was because he thought she was gonna cut it off. Do you know what I mean? And I felt really guilty about that. And then we finally went and did it short, when he was seven, bearing in mind he started when he was four. It, his face, it just lit up with every cut and with every, the clippers on him, the feel of it and everything, he just, because it was almost like he emerged like a butterfly. It was weird. And something Ill never forget. It’s quite emotional.

Id known quite a few people on the gay scene. So Id met a few people who were trans and but not, I didnt know any in any great depth [sighs]. I knew it wasnt sort of straightforward and simple. I knew that there was a lot of anxiety and a lot of prejudice. But I know that, I also wasnt aware of the extent of the diversity of people who were trans. I don’t think Ill ever quite get to grips with the 56 or whatever definitions around [laughs] of trans. It’s just people as far as I’m concerned. But I suppose I did have quite a black and white views that if you’re trans you would follow the pathway of changing completely and complete physical surgery So, yeah, Id probably had a more black and white view.

And this has now changed?

Yeah. I’m more aware that, just as there is with everyone, there’s different grades of people seeing themselves as where they want to end up and their change over time. And it’s not just the intellectual idea, but also the appreciation of that. Well just have to wait and see where we end up.

You worry, you worry greatly that your child’s gonna be happy, long term. But I think all parents worry about that anyway. But especially if your child is transgender, you just worry that they’re gonna be happy. You want them to be happy. And you’ll do anything to try and make them find happiness as best they can. We’ll do everything we can for our daughter. But, at the end of the day, of course, it it’s only her that can really find true happiness within herself. So, I suppose everything we’re doing is just to try and get her to that stage, in the future when she’ll be able to sit back and relax and live the life that she wants to live.

He hasn’t changed, his name has changed. I mean, for us, it wasn’t a big shock. He wasn’t dressing in you know, lovely dresses and loads of make-up and going out with boys. He would go out with boys now, but you know, he wasn’t being typical heterosexual girl. So it wasn’t a massive shock. But I just say, you know, it wasn’t you know, he is the same person and he’s happier now. And that most parents if you ask them what they want for their kids, they want their kids to be happy. And, yeah, our path to that probably would be trickier than some people’s. And I’m not so naïve to think that it’s all gonna just be easy. I know it’s not easy. And I wish he had had it easy, you know. His life was gonna be easier and I know that it’s not going to be as easy as it would be for some people. But yeah, but he’s the same person. And people say, my boss said to me yesterday he said, Oh, you’ve done brilliantly. cos he knew I was thinking of going to this parents group. You’ve done so fantastically. I said, No, I, I haven’t, not really. I’ve just been a mum and I do get uncomfortable with that when people go Oh, I can’t imagine and that’s such a big deal. Whereas day to day, it’s not. it’s just, just the same. Just the same as it was.

I have to admit here, I thought to myself, I am going to have to move. That’s it. I’m just gonna have to leave my whole life behind. How, how am I going to tell people and I know that sounds awful now and it makes me seem really shallow. But I did seriously think, what, what are people going to say? And then, when I came, when I came round, I thought, well I don’t care anymore. You know, after sensible chats and talking to my son who has been very good through this whole process. I thought, I don’t care what people say. I have enough really good friends who will stick by me and stick by my daughter. And if they don’t then they are off the Christmas card list. That’s the way it goes.

In the really, really early days, going to a party before we even, I don’t know if we even knew that she was trans then. I can’t remember. Went to a party and she wanted to go as a girl. But we weren’t up together with it. We hadn’t, we wasn’t, we weren’t in the same place where she was. So, we were really confused. And going out in about and, and just out in public, but she was dressed as a girl, but she hadn’t chosen her female name yet. We were calling her by her boy name. It was, now I think about it, yeah, that was pretty tough. That was tough on everybody. I don’t think she cared that much. But it was tough, because we were more worried about what people would think. We didn’t want people to be unkind or ask questions or make her feel uncomfortable. But, these things are all phases, really. They thought they were all phases and we seem to have been really fortunate to have dealt with each one [laughs]. And then, kind of accepted it and then moved on, really.

It was difficult in the beginning. It was difficult to get the pronouns right. It was difficult to know what to say. But I think it was difficult for us all. But we got through it, I feel. And we managed to hold onto a relationship, which I think is quite difficult, because lots, there’s lots of ups and downs and lots of things you don’t know and obviously my daughter is on hormones and that makes life sometimes difficult and you, and I, you constantly say the wrong thing and you don’t realise youve said the wrong thing. But we did manage to remain in contact.

I feel a bit, it was weird cos took part in it, but not part of it and so I’m on the periphery and running in a circle of anything because she has her mum and she has her dad and I am neither of those. But I’m just slightly outside. So, I feel like I can see more. When they’re in it, they are so close to each other and the issue that sometimes they can’t be, you know, objective. Is that the word? Objective or subjective? You know, of what’s going on. So, normally, with me and my husband I’ll be like actually have you considered this and da, da, da, da.